Tag Archives: school

Where Have You Beeeen!

Also: It’s Been a While, and There’s no Sunshine When She’s Gone, etc.

 

Well, between video games and writing and working and watching anime and sleeping and various mental blockages, I haven’t had the motivation for a proper post about anything. But now I’ve built up. Will I live in Baltimore soon? Will I live long enough in Murfreesboro? How can I possibly stay in glamorous touch with my sister, who has been working her ass off on a farm (the same program I was in 4 years ago!), and what’s in store for me regarding Temple University, either in Pennsylvania or Japan?

What is Intent vs. Impact? Does anyone who doesn’t really understand what this mean actually care?

Does my compulsive liar, selfish being of a sister have mental blockages like me that makes her just as deserving of anyone’s sympathy as I acquire?

Has the shoujo anime market finally ensnared me? With Chihayafuru and Red Data Girl being among the best anime I’ve ever watched, am I finally among the demographic?!

Is appreciating the eye candy in Suisei no Gargantia making me a complete sell-out? Ledo and Amy are so moe! I want to devour them!

The PS3 controller is so much better for me it’s CRAZY. I had about ten wins with Lili in Tekken 6 on the XBox 360. PS3 Tekken Revolution? 81 wins. EIGHTY-ONE FUCKING WINS! I’m getting messages from friggin’ awesome players telling me it was a good game! To see if t was all just flukes, I went back and played Tekken Tag Tournament 2 for the 360. For some reason, my reactions were slower, clunkier, and I made the silliest mistakes. PS4 is definitely in the future.

The Last of Us is awesome so far. I’m taking my time. Also, I’m actually playing online with a shooting game. Never done that before~!

I don’t ever want to work with food again! Secretarial work please and thank you!

I can’t believe I’ve ever believed in god or spirits. The scientific and logical reasoning against it is mind-boggling.

I do not get hangovers.

I did not drop from that high too badly, though I dropped enough to miss the correct time at work, and have a mental breakdown, but I was fine by that evening.

I have very specific tastes in anime art, despite my range of enjoyable things to watch. This mostly has to do with reading yaoi smut.

I need to learn a lot more kanji. I’m translating this BL game and it’s taking forever. Though there are some grammar points that I have to research, it’s looking up the damn kanji that’s just sucking out all my energy.

I need more porn.

Also… The reason why I wanted to make this post:

‘Spanking’  (and etc. plus constant criticism and belittling) over every minor infraction didn’t make me love my parents, or God more, it just made me afraid of them, and all the more determined to get away from them as soon as I possibly could. No mean feat, considering my self-esteem is rock-bottom in my young adult years… I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. 

It also made us much more secretive and deceptive, hiding things from our parents became an art form. Another neat trick considering my mom was nosy as shit, and felt perfectly justified in reading our mail, going through our drawers, etc. To this day lying to my mom dad is an automatic response, no matter the topic…, and I’m usually honest to a fault with everyone else I know. 

So great job No One. Keep up that Christian love, and maybe, just maybe, your spouse will go easy on you in the divorce. 

Quote taken from LDM, changed to reflect me just a bit more. See you soon!

“642 Things to Write About” with Pride in all the Wrong Places

Happy about my K Project review. ^-^ And now back to some good business! Four prompts to catch up- real good one by my sister in Prompt 14, where she describes herself. She really glows!

Prompt #12: You have just swallowed our pride and done something you didn’t want to do. Your friend wants to know why. The two of you are driving around an almost-full parking garage for a space for the friend’s oversize pickup. Write the scene.

My response:

“Ol’ big ass, stupid-ass thing,” I murmured under my breath, eyes rolling a bit as the nausea swept over me in merciless waves. The crowded slant of floor C of Sweet Winds Parking Garage kept the coolness off just enough to abet the motion sickness.

Alina chuckled. It was small, and the thinness of her lips betrayed an increasing irritation over not being able to find a spot for what she even thought was her father’s oversized pickup truck, and being helpless in the face of my pain.

“Didn’t you say talking makes it feels better?”

“Talking distracts.”

“Same difference.”

“I’ll puke on you midsentence,” I groaned, swallowing heavily.

“How’s your house?”

“Wretched as ever. You know, it would be great if everyone did their part equally- working together like Pa is always talking about, but it’s never about working together. It’s people like me and sis taking up the slack and lack of communication of others.”

I was rambling in my discomfort, I knew, and Alina shot me a bemused plucked-eyebrow lift.

“‘Member how I told you I wasn’t gonna clean the kitchen, because it was my mom and brother who just don’t clean their dishes?”

“You guys are washing your own dishes right? Mom does all of ours.”

“Yea, I know,” and I laugh, though Alina might be upset on why I was laughing. I presume she thought my giggle was for my wish that my mom would do all the dishes as well. “But the dishes were piling up and I know she’s not going to do ’em, and Dad was waiting for us, and mom was just pushing things to the side as usual-”

‘Why won’t your sister do them?”

I shrugged. “It’s just one of her quirks. She’s a cool girl mostly but there are some things she just doesn’t do.”

“But you’re not mad at her?”

“She’s not making the mess,” I answered quickly, annoyed, not just a tiny bit ashamed of my favoritism towards sis. “And I’m tired of doing them. It’s like before I went to college all over again- people using me for my kindness because they know they can fucking count on me to do the work they’re supposed to be doing, or solving problems they don’t feel like solving and then yelling at all of us when they can’t take it anymore.”

Alina laughed, a somewhat real laugh with hidden meanings like mine. “Doesn’t your dad start yelling at one person and then if the rest of you are around-”

“He starts yelling at all of us, yea. Like, ‘You’re in trouble! You’re ALL in trouble!’ That was something we were always saying after he did shit like that, or when we were cheering each other up about Pa. So fucking annoying…All of them…” I kept swallowing, as my body prepared the lining of my guts for the eruption being fixed in my stomach’s pit. Alina was driving quickly up floor H, I, J- and we saw plenty of empty ones up here. 

“Okay… Sorry, we’re so high.”

I could care less about my fear of heights if it meant I wouldn’t be nauseous anymore. I waved dismissively and she sped a bit towards quite a few empty spaces.

“So you did them?”

“Of course, I did. It was getting ridik.”

“Well, now everyone’s happy, right?”

“No one was upset before, and no one said thank you, so hell if I know.”

A bit of a hurt look from Alina had me saying in a rush, “But it’s all great. And it’s super cool you got me out of the house and brought me to Nashville. I mean, the awesomeness meter is exploding, seriously.”

She knows, and she smiles, and then that wanes. “I wouldn’t do it.”

“You were the one who always cleaned the dorm,” I replied, albeit guiltily.

Alina said loudly as she opened her door,”But you were always apologizing, and thanking me….and buying me stuff from CharMar.”

“Ah, Dining Dollars… How I miss you!” I wailed, but I still sat. I needed to regain my land legs.

“You know what’s funny, I just know you’re going to do it again, if the time comes.”

“Yea, probably.” I sigh, opening the door and thinking of nice food from a cool restaurant paid by my rich consoling friend. “I have to… That’s just me, I guess.”

Sister’s response: 

“It has been a while since I’ve been in a pickup truck.”

“Really? It’s fun to drive around in it. But I don’t like going to this parking garage.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it feels like I will crash into the ceiling or something.”

“Hahahaha, okay?”

“Haha, I know, weird. Sometimes I cheat and go to the top.”

“Cheat?”

“Yeah. Don’t know if that’s really cheating, but whatev.”

“Cheating reminds me of my Chemistry class.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m like, one out of three percent of people who does their homework. And, of course, the other ninety-seven percent goof-off. So, when our teacher give us homework, the next day people are like, ‘You didn’t give us homework!’ and stupid crap like that. So, after working hard on my homework, and they know I’ve done my homework, they ask for it.”

“I’m sure you saw it coming.”

“Yeah, sometimes I lie and say I didn’t do it.”

“Did they figure it out?”

“Yes…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine. There’s a space there.”

Prompt #13: Pick a small object to be given one day to your great-grandchild. Write a letter to that child explaining why you have chosen this object. 

My response: 

Dear Great-grandchild,

You’re going to college. You should be; you shouldn’t be getting this unless you are. This is the time of your life that either grants you all the freedom you’ve needed, or all the freedom you’ve had. I doubt the latter is the case, since I’m pessimistic about our family history, and it’s future. I sincerely hope that what I cannot see would be something I would want to see.

With this letter is my Alpha Phi Omega pin. I don’t know if your college has this co-ed fraternity, but that’s not the point. In APO, we stood or friendship, leadership, and service, and though I believe humans need their share of material things, those three things should never be separated from your spirit.

I hope my stubbornness and sense of righteousness passed on, and not just stupid stubbornness and self-righteousness. Justice thrives on friendship and service- and fair leaders. You’re going to see a lot of unfair things, and hopefully college will hand you thousands of pamphlets on its variety. I want more than anything for you to try and help all that you can.

APO was all about helping as much as you can, and doing your share, and doing it with others so that such feelings could spread. Unless you turned out selfish and unmindful and uncaring of others, then perhaps you could give this pin to someone who can appreciate it. Still, read on.

You will not live in this world. You might survive, but you will be empty, and you will feel it after you lose a bit of money, you will feel it when people betray you because they are as selfish, unmindful, and uncaring as you. When times get hard, you will be left in the dust by people such as them. If you’re lucky, you can exploit the kindness of others- but people get tired of that shit, no matter how kind they are so choose your community wisely.

Now, if you are what I hope you are, oh, sweet darlin’, make times for others as you make time for yourself. At least, poke this pin somewhere conspicuous so that you will know you are never alone and there’s is so much to be done. Some one can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone!

All my love and all the best,

Your Great-grandparent

Sister’s response:

Dear Great-grandchild,

If you are reading this, then you must be old enough to read fluently. In this envelope contains my diary. I am giving this to you because I would like for you to carry on my legacy or inspire you to do something (good, of course!). I would give it to my grand-child but… I’ve grown impatient because they never respond to my ‘Hi’s’. Like, a few years ago, and since you contact me regularly, I wouldn’t mind you having it. I know I have some stupid stuff and horrible grammar but at least you’ll probably get what I’m saying.

Love you!

Bye!

Prompt #14: Describe yourself in the third person- your physical appearance and personality- as though you were a character in a book.

My response: 

She was of average height- completely average, that one doesn’t say short or tall, but just the numbers. There was meat in her legs, muscular-looking at least, and at her belly, with perky breasts that were slightly big for her size, but could be bigger. Her hands, tiny, feet, once more average. Nose had a hump and all her pores were showing, and black spots on her neck, chest, chin and face indicative of thick acne graveyards, though it seemed she no longer had pimple problems.

She was a bit light-skinned, but not enough to be randomly called such. Round head on a short neck, eyes dark, the kind you have to look at special to realize they are still brown. The eyebrows above were thick but shapely; the mouth below can spread over half her face and make her eyes squint to nothingness, and cheeks to the side of her face.

Something about her was just a bit unstable, her excitement can make her jump and yell much too loudly, a there wasn’t much needed to make her ecstatic. Unfortunately, some things make her instantly depressed. Even without stress, when the ecstasy wears off, she could be left with a depressive hangover of the most unhelpful degree. Still, her major disposition is cheerful and helpful, and can become stubborn and caustic over passionate subjects, and hilarious when high or drunk or ready to party.

Sister’s response: 

Who is that! by Peno-Pee

Who is that? Well, she is like a chocolate bubble. Her dark skin is as smooth as the creamy richness of frosting, with a few bumps and scrapes. Her body is as round as the bubble. Of course, she still takes the shape of a human body, so just in the torso area. Her hair… Well, there are days when it’s like mini-jungle at night, but, on other days, it’s just brushed down on one side.

She is a cutie when she wants to be. Going past the looks, let’s go deep within. Hm…. Confusing. She’s happy over here, but upset over there. She loves people here, but hates them there. She’s just confused.

Well, when she is happy, she is funny or punny, witty and a bit naive. When she is upset, she is antisocial and irritated. Be nice to her and she’ll be nice to you. Be funny, she likes that.

(Fantastic from sister! Very poetic and original! Big smiles~)

Prompt #15: Describe something you wanted badly and, once you got it, never used

My response:

I have a great fear of losing the cherished writing and materials on my computer, and quite a few times I would purchase back-up CDs or flash drives. I don’t know where they are now, but it might be good to buy some more… My, what an endless cycle!

Still, I’m sure that if I ever get an extra external hard drive, I would use it. Maybe… Hopefully…

Sister’s response: 

One time I wanted a Tamagochi because it looked cool. It was pink and white, with cute little musical noes. Once I actually got it, I put it away because I had to do something. I completely forgot about until a week later. Once I remembered, I took it out of the package and then I took a nap, and I promised myself I will play it. But I never did. I lost it, and I bought a new one.

“642 Things to Write About” with Crystal-Eyes the Sex-lover

I added pages to my wordpress. It’s a lot of my writing! How exciting! Yaoi! Yaoi! Yaoi, everywhere! Kink, kink, I am there. And now, on topic:

Prompt #8: The long lost roommate

My response (caution, mentioning of underage solicitation): 

When I went to Cumberland’s mental institution, for the first time, back when I was fourteen, I had the room to myself, then a weird roommate who came to hate me (who left before me, for some reason, even though she seemed to have it worse), a SUPER-WEIRD roommate who I came to hate (also left before me), and then the room to myself again, before I left.

I want to talk about roommate numero dos, who I shall name Crystal-Eyes, for she had beautiful blue eyes the color of light sapphires. Oh, she was a cutie alright. Because of the nature of her problems (ref. above), even though she was young for the institution, she was with us older kids.

When she entered the room, I was doing one of my hour-long prayers that I was pretty much known for when I was that age (I even took the moment of silence to pray, continuing to stand into the announcements to finish some of my most fervent prayers). We exchanged pleasantries, our names, why we were here, our ages. Eventually, it was time for sleep. I was thinking about her problems, something that I would have gladly switched for, if I was pretty and interesting enough, like her, when she asked me:

“You want to have sex?”

At the time, I wouldn’t have minded at all. I’d never had sex before and she was pretty, and she was willing to have sex with me! How exciting!

“They’ll catch us, and they’ll keep us here longer.” I was there involuntarily, and wanted to leave as soon as possible. I was missing valuable schoolwork, for they didn’t have German in Cumberland’s school, or the correct Geometry book, or an English book that suited my needs. My obsession with grades didn’t exactly help getting out….

“I did it with my other roommate the last time I was here, and the time before that. We didn’t get caught. We just got back in the bed when they came  and checked our rooms,” was her quick answer. She had gotten up on her elbows as if thinking, Holy shit! That’s the only thing holding her back? Alright!

“I’m a Christian.” And, at the time, I was. But it was such a flimsy excuse, since the first excuse I brought up was, indeed, us getting caught. The first reaction is usually the truest, and I was most scared of getting caught and being forced to stay there longer than I needed to be.

“God won’t mind. God’ll forgive you.”

I remember thinking at the time, why would I worry about forgiveness if God doesn’t mind? Of course,  I didn’t really care about God. I didn’t walk anyone walking in on us.

“You’re too young.” We both were. Well, not like we had to worry about babies or anything, but it’s the principle of the matter (whatever that means). “And you’re in here for sex. This isn’t going to help you, at all.”

At the time, that was what sealed it. I was in the hospital because of stress, depression, and loneliness, and she was a nymphomaniac. Sure, at the time, I was probably watching and reading more porn than the average sixteen-year-old, and every day upon coming home from school I was looking up yaoi stories to read, but that wasn’t getting in the way of life like my stress, depression, and loneliness, and how sex, for her, was ruining her life. This was the third time she’s been in the hospital. She needed help, and I wasn’t going to set her back.

As I thought this, she started crying, and hissing, “Knew you were goody-goody, a goody-two shoes. You love God, huh? That’s why you’re ugly. You’re ugly and you’re never gonna have a boyfriend. Goody-two-shoes.”

Man, she really wants to have sex. She really needs some help. 

Eventually she got up and went to the window and crushed the flowers my family had brought,walked around and  knocked my stuff down off my desk, pulled my towels from their racks. She tried to take the blanket off of me, and I said, “I will tell Mr. Big-Eyes. I’ll call them all down here. Go to bed, Crystal-Eyes.”

She stomped to bed and masturbated all night.

Of course, she was just the perfect angel to everyone during the day- she even told people that she was a Christian and a “bit of a goody-two-shoes *giggle giggle*” She was so good, I thought maybe she was just having a bad first day back at the hospital or something like that.

But for the next two nights, she did that immature stuff because I wouldn’t answer her cries for sex, and masturbated constantly. Eventually, I told the orderlies that I needed a room change. They kicked me out to a room to one by myself. I got a special talk with a couple of nurses.

They didn’t believe me. They knew Crystal-Eyes was here for sexual abuse. I didn’t think she wasn’t abused… But she had sex problems. I told them that. Unfortunately, I had my own cries for help. Earlier that week, I had snapped and pushed somebody, and I had thrown my tray at the wall, wrote pretty shifty things on the Feeling Card, threw a gasket after knowing they wouldn’t release me after my eighth day there, screaming for my homework and books, and I was generally known for my moods to go up and down at random.

So, yea, things didn’t do well for me. All the friends I had made stopped being my friends as Crystal-Eyes manipulated them. Even after Crystal-Eyes left, or maybe especially because, they disliked me. I say especially because, because she left before me. And it’s kind of an unwritten rule that the more horrible your problems are, or the more messed up you are, the longer you stay.

Later, after I came back to high school, I saw someone who looked like her and pushed this girl into a locker. I got detention, long after realizing that random girl’s eyes were green.

Sister’s response:

It was our freshmen year in college when we first met. At that moment, we were best friends. We shared common interest and mind. But everything changed when she vanished. I was alone. Yeah I had a few friends here and there, but they were nothing compared to her. Some say she left because of family issues. Some say she went psycho, pregnant, stress, blah blah blah. I believe she would’ve told me what was going on.

Since she didn’t, I can honestly say I have no clue. Where is she? Why did she leave me? Why didn’t she tell m? Those questions rushed through my head. Sophomore year. Still by myself. I think I would’ve gotten a new roommate by now if she was actually gone. What in the world is going on? People stopped talking about her. Some even completely forgot about her. Senior year was upon me and so was the person tapping at my chamber door. She’s back.

~~~~(She was thinking of Avatar The Last Airbender and  Edgar Allen Poe for some reason. Short and sweet, probably how ya’ll like it, yea?)

 

 

But what about the porn?

It is nearly half past five in the morning and I am writing a post on WordPress because it is something I’ve been meaning to do. I’ve also been putting off porn and masturbation because I like to think of yaoi sex before going to sleep, and it is nearly impossible for me to do that after an orgasm. But it is also nearly impossible in daylight, so I need to make this quick… One day I will figure out the orgasm and daylight thing, but not today!

I’m reading several webcomics right now. Most of them are yaoi/malexmale/gay or at least lgbtq related. The Kingfisher is the most surprising- well, after Ship Jumper. But I don’t take Ship Jumper too seriously. It’s pretty ugly to me, but it’s a bit funny and really gay with the main character, so, *shrug*. Anywho, I’ve been avoiding The Kingfisher because the art was real ugly to me, too, but I knew- I knew – it would grow on me.

And, god, did it! I’ll freakin’ buy that shit! The art is still creepy as all get out, but I love it… I love it so much. It’s hilarious. And it has this fun versus evil side of vampires and ghouls and witches and the like that I just love about modern supernatural works!

Ship Jumper I wouldn’t buy. It’s cute- ’bout this young man, his captain, and the enemy captain being marooned on an island. Young man and enemy captain end up together. It’s pure smut, but hey.

Then there’s TJ and Amal. You see, I’ve been trying to close myself off from liking too many things- things take up time. Time away from schoolwork.

By the way, I shirked this semester because I’m an utter failure. About a month out of school, and I have not the slightest inclination to go back. Isn’t that awful? But I have to continue with my life and get a job and money and… live.

Back to things for a moment- I used to only really like fighting games. Then Japanese rpgs. Now, I’ve progressed to wanting Far Cry 3 and Assassins’ Creed 3 for Christmas. I also have been playing Dance Central 3 for a straight week-and-a-half. I was only meant for passing games. And drawing! I was meant for doodles, not buying artbooks! And reading! I was meant for manporn, not Bible-long epics! And movies! Action and comedy! Well… That’s still pretty much the same… Still, I love too many things… Anime and tv! Comedy! Now I’ll watch anything!

Anyway, TJ and Amal is fuckin’ magic. Magic, I tell you. All that real emotional shiznit I always want, hot  sex that I want sometimes, humor I want most times, and that realism that sometimes hits too close to home but I can totally handle it now. Tj and Amal has this guy- mysterious TJ who seems to be running away from something sketchy- and Amal who’s been disowned by his father after coming out- well these two guys take a road trip to somewhere more free, in different ways for them. Lovely.

Next, The Prince of Cats has this guy Lee, who’s gay and is in love with his best friend, and Frank, also gay. High School Drama stuff that’s really cute. Something to tone down from Tj and Amal or The Kingfisher or tone up from Ship Jumper. Thing is, Lee talks to cats and they talk back and I want to know what that’s all about.

Feral Gentry. Male fairy meets more of his kind. It looks cute, though not really gay. Oh, it is animated sometimes- that’s what’s got me hooked!

I also checked for the new pages of The Young Protectors, Teahouse, StarfighterPurpurea Noxa, Oglaf, The Spectre, Lackadaisy, and Cheap Thrills, though the last three haven’t updated this week.

Lastly (as if this is so very organized), Skyrim’s latest DLC, Dragonborn, is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Dawnguard. Like, seriously, this could be a whole new game. I’ve been in Solstheim for the last nine days whenever I play Skyrim. Very much worth the dollars I put into it.

 

Working

So, I really, really, really, really want to work and go to school. Other than my brother getting this new job that’s right in his face, it’s what I want most right now. But many people are saying it’s nothing to worry about and everything happens for a reason. It’s just really hard, ya’ know? I feel so useless and unproductive because I am. There’s no question about it; I”m not doing anything except trying and trying is just not good enough! But…

I just want to go back!!!

To school! Yes, school! I am currently enrolled at Johns Hopkins University but now I am temporarily dismissed. I didn’t want to be but I am and in the a.m. of this warm morning I believe that these five months of doing absolutely, or at least mostly, nothing but babysit and play games and ride the bus (yes, I’ve ridden enough times to list the damn motherf——) I feel like I could very well bash my own head in!

Get me the hell out of here, I want to scream constantly. I want to cry. But I drown out that horrible voice with sodas and smother it with food and I blast it away with music. Thank goodness I have a high metabolism or else I would be one big mofo.