Tag Archives: lgbtq

What if all killers (mass or otherwise) were like Malcom X 0.5? or Brock Turner?

I wrote this the day after the mass killing in Orlando’s Latin LGBTQ nightclub, but I didn’t want to share it until later, when everything comes to light- or as much as the media allows before people with human decency fills out the rest of the ‘terrorist attack’ schtick that so many news outlets are peddling.

My dear sister, who has a warm outlook of the world- so warm that she says things that I would never think to say, one of which was this: I so wish people would stop calling it a terrorist attack based on his religion rather than the fact that it’s a terrorist attack because it’s an act of terror. ūüėí

Which is the main reason people want to add more facts around this horrific crime against humanity. Terrorist attack and Islam is not mutually inclusive all the time- except in America. Probably, unless you’re black and/or Muslim. I give no leeway to any religion that somehow prompts a person to do something horrible. Sure, without religion, people can find the reason to do bad things (Brock Turner comes to mind- goddamn can you find a sleazier couple of words? If someone was introducing you to a Brock Turner, most of y’all will be ready to meet a complete asshole, admit it).

But I know for damn sure it’s easier to do a lot of bad things if you feel that some god is telling you to do it. Just like for some people, their ‘reliance’ on their faith¬†keeps¬†them from doing bad things- which is equally as terrifying as the other way around.

Yet, we all know that without religion, or any other catalyst one can make their crutch, the mind, influenced by genes and the environment and the words that float in and around, the television, the experiences within and without, can one day make a person think something that isn’t ok, is ok. Or ok enough.

I’ve already made this clear to my brother (again, this was the afternoon after the shooting in Orlando, before I even knew about it), but I met an absolute lunatic yesterday (June 11). When I had seen him around campus, I thought he was extremely fit and handsome, and since I was caught staring 89% of the time, I usually said hi, and he would say hi back.

Yesterday I was at a table outside, after the library closed, and I was biding my time until the bus came. Here comes strong, tall, and handsome. He drops his bag in the chair across from me, and a jug of water on the table, smiles, and says, “Let’s have a conversation!”

Let me tell you people, I’ve been homeless for a bit over a month. I’m finally going to be able to leave Crapsville for something I think is bigger and better. Every man who¬†I had more than a ten word conversation with has catcalled me and pinched and rubbed and hugged me without my permission, and two of them have solicited me for sex in the most awkward ways imaginable. One persistent fellow is dumb as FUCK and always telling me ‘advice’ that I did NOT ask for. (Is this the mansplaining that people talk about? Because nearly every man I talk to does this- like, I don’t need your help unless I ask for it, you know?)

So when a handsome man gives you space and gets right to the point, but not to that point, I get interested.

And I listened to his conversation. Note. Listened.

After five minutes.

yea oh no gif

After fifteen.

oh no gif

My bus nearly here.

oh no gif 2


And I was sooooooooooo disappointed. Like, I knew he was getting his education, staying fit, knew how to talk to people  (or thought really) but noooooooooooooooo- he was CRAZY.

And what made me sad sad sad in the pit of my stomach, in my freaking soul, was that he just didn’t know.

He couldn’t see it.

Okay, a snippet of his ‘conversation’:

“You don’t need to be scared of me, there’s nothing to be afraid of, if I was going to kill you I would have pulled out the gun I have, to protect myself, because everyone has a right to protect themselves, especially black men, you see how everyone’s killing black men, espeically cops, don’t trust the cops, they’ll kill you, they kill so many people and people trust them, i know you trust them because you’re looking at your phone, going to call them? I’m not going to hurt you, I just want to teach you, because learning is what you’re here to do, knowledge is power, don’t let anyone tell you different, even ¬†if you’re a woman, there’s that ¬†psychological-methological-pathological influence working on you, too easy, you’re getting distracted, looking at your phone, you know phones cause cancer, and so does that drink and all that sugar, you’ll lose your teeth, see, look, this is how my teeth look and they look like this because I take care of myself, and black men need to take care of themselves, remember what I said about my gun, yea, just turning it all back on itself, circle of life, that psychological-methological-pathological thinking that everyone is thinking, too easy…”

oh my god community gif

I was only too happy to finally walk to the bus, because it will be near a street and I’ll be safer. I had my brother a button away on my phone (the reason I was on my phone, just in case I antagonize him further). But then Malcom X 0.5 says he’ll walk me home, and I kept telling him I’m taking the bus (because the bus doesn’t run on Sundays, and I had to walk all day today), and he told me (in his rambling way) that I needed to lose weight and a bunch of other crazy stuff. And I was a black woman and he would protect me. To be honest, I actually believed that part 100%.

He said in different ways that if he wanted to hurt/kill me, how he would do it, where he would do it etc.

But one part I want to take from this, other than the fact that, damn, judging a book by its cover goes in so many directions, but also, this dude talked about the psychological-methological-pathological control that his medicine tried to hold over him.

oh gotcha

I knew he needed some psychiatric medicine. Probably a lot. All of it. But to know that he’s been¬†off? See this- people have seen this guy being crazy, gave him medicine, and somehow he felt that he didn’t need to take it, and then he felt it wasn’t going to make him better, and finally to Crazyville thinking that the medicine did more harm than good. And now he was how he was.

Brock Turner.

Okay. You’ve heard about him. Prolly read the letters from his parents. If you haven’t read his parents’ letters, here are some excerpts.


mom brock letter 2

Mom brock letter 1

This probably makes you irate. Hell, it should. But one thing that prolly works through your mind is if these people are serious. How entitled and self-centered can you get? It’s just almost unbelievable. How crazy can you get?

As yesterday told me, fucking insane. Nutzoid. But what’s the middle for that? Me who takes 600 mg of a pretty strong drug? But people think I’m pretty awesome then how about the Turner’s? The way these people are talking , and you know, they just don’t get the point. And how would you make them know? When every angle is covered by crazy and self-centeredness and complete ignorance? When they see Turner (or when he sees himself) as mostly innocent with a few mistakes (and still continue to be so) can you change their mind?

And that brings me to Orlando. And other killers (mass or otherwise). 90 percent of time, they know that what they’re doing is wrong (or seen as wrong by others), but the little chemicals conjoined in the brain makes someone pull that trigger. Sometimes those chemicals are helped by some religious upbringing and influences imagine endorphins flooding in knowing that what you did, and the scale of what you did, has pleased the god as you know it, and you’re going to heaven. IMAGINE IT. ¬†Of course the chemicals that resulted now to have you think the way you do will force you to think- I can’t kill, that’s not god’s way, that’s not my religion, even if god did say so, that’s not good, that would make me a bad human.

But what if someone didn’t have those chemicals. What if they needed pills or real experience to understand? How would you give someone a real experience?

And that’s just the mental aspect. Homophobia. Racism. Extremism (in any sense). What are we going to do? What can we do?


Gay Porn and other Delicacies Part One: A History

If you know me well, you would know that I find homosexual acts very objectifyingly satisfying. If this offends you in any way….

You saw the title! Whatcha click for?

As I was saying, from a young age, I’ve enjoyed homosexual acts. As I’ve edited this post, I realized not only did/do I enjoy homosexual acts between men, it’s the same for women (and really, any consensual acts between attractive humans is pretty much okay).

In 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade- all three?- we had a porn video. We called it the ‘blank tape’ because, as you might’ve guessed, it was blank. I don’t remember who put it in the VCR first. Perhaps we all did before we all came together and realized that everyone else knew that the tape was nudie. Ma and Pa told us not to watch it, the youngest (Lil Sis and Lil Bro- both #2) would put it in the VCR all the time and laugh and giggle and do things that little kids do when they are being little assholes who do things they know they’re not supposed to do, yadda yadda yadda, and I¬†found a little interest in it.

One time, I watched it from the beginning to end. Under the pretense of sickness, I skimped out on Bible study to get the damn thing all to myself without worry of someone coming out of a room to catch me- though I’m sure¬†someone¬†had it in their mind that I would look at it.

It was made up of about five or six scenes, and the second scene- about 32 minutes in, maybe- was a lesbian scene. I didn’t know what things like aroused and turned on or horny meant, but I recognize now that the lesbian scene was indeed arousing.

But I skipped it. I was a God-fearing ten-or-so-year-old and I was already being terrible enough. Plus, I thought that the heterosexual couples were- don’t laugh- were, you know, together. Husband and wives and stuff.

stupid me

And I watched the rest, always with the lesbian scene in the back of my mind. I don’t know exactly what happened afterwards, but I believe Ma or Pa called home saying they went out to eat something and so, though I had planned to stop completely when I had satisfied my curiosity, I decided to watch the lesbian scene completely. I turned it up a little and it turned out to be a ‘mother’/’daughter’ thing. The ‘mother’ apparently cheated on the ‘daughter’ and the ‘daughter’ decided to punish her… by having sex with her… Or something.

You don’t care about ‘plot’ in porn and neither did I. Somewhat. I always enjoyed the scene more when I could hear it, even putting in earphones.

Around the same time, my aunt had an anime magazine. It had a review on the BL/yaoi/shounen ai/gay-romance-intended-for-a-female-audience Original Video Animation called “Fake”.

First BL

I most definitely was watching “Fake” on the DVD player around the same time as I would sneak the blank tape in the dying VCR. And it was only until the VCR died and all our VHS tapes disappeared that I started gay male romance hunting in earnest.

Let’s back up. There was only a very tiny anime picture for “Fake” in the magazine. My aunt had bookmarked it and, her being my favorite aunt then and now, I was completely interested in what had her smiling every time she looked at it.

The two characters you see had their faces close together and all, and at the time I had no fucking idea which was the girl and which was the boy (that’s heterosexual privilege by the way-you see people making lovey-dovey eyes and you start putting them in gender constructs!). I guessed the light-haired guy on the bottom was the girl, because, ya’ know, he was light-haired and on bottom.

But I went back to the article, because I tend to get batshit-obsessed with things until I completely figure them out. My aunt caught me and got pissed and so I was scared away for about a month.

And then the “Fake” DVD appeared in our house, held among my aunt’s possessions. I tried to watch it through my parents’ room; their door had windows in them so that I could see into that entertainment room in which my aunt would watch “Fake” alone. But she caught me and covered up the windows.

One day, while she was watching it, I actually read the review article on “Fake” by Sanami Matoh in the comfort of her room. I remember the way they wrote it came off to me in big neon lights as¬†GAY PORN!!!!!! I was sure it was going to be just as raunchy as the lesbian scene. Later, aunt went out drinking or something and the family went to Bible study and I, legit, had to practice my trombone for a chair test coming up (a chair test that started me in the first three chairs for the rest of my middle school career, as I would never, ever be among the last again).¬†

I watched all of “Fake”. I think there were two kissing scenes and dark-haired dude trying to undress light-haired dude. Overall, though I did like the ghost-and-murder plot and all, the GAY PORN!!!!!!!¬†bit was quite lacking. Didn’t stop me from watching it at every opportunity, though.¬†

Of course, I still believed in god and all that…

Sexy Zechs-yStep back. My aunt also read fanfiction. She gave me a Dragon Ball Z fanfic with Bulma and Vegeta and told me to skip the ‘nasty’ parts. Of course, I read them. (Mama also gave me romance novels, where I realized that adult writing can be just as simple as what I read at school, and that the middle part of any piece of erotic writing is probably a sex scene).

And after/around that time (March 2000) the anime series Gundam Wing appeared on Cartoon Network. Gundam Wing had five main guys and was a catalyst not only for more serious anime to appear in America on a more regular basis (and not just Pokemon and Yugioh type shits to cater to children and their fetish for toys), but also for gay fanfiction. There were also two other main guys. Turkey Blondie up there and his best friend… lover… enemy… Very complicated have-to-watch-the-show-to-understand thing. They were my favorite couple to read.

Putting the pieces together, I started to look for gay erotic fanfiction because heterosexual fanfiction was either 1) Romance lovey-dovey same shit over and over utter crap 2) Straight-out porn. I mean, a lot of fanfiction- most of fanfiction is pretty much porn. But I’m talking about that¬†porn¬†porn. For example, you can’t really put¬†A Rake’s Vow¬†by Stephanie Laurens in the same category as¬†Real Female Orgasms 13, as there’s something infinitely more pornographic about something about orgasms and a harlequin for which many can’t wait until the heroine and her lover bump uglies. Another post entirely.¬†

And that’s when I found yaoi (or, as I like to call it, BL, so I could encompass shounen-ai). The main distinction between the two is that yaoi is a lot more pornographic than shounen-ai, usually. Yaoi is an acronym for it, really. While shounen-ai translates to boys’ love, and is more about, you guessed it, love between males. Of course, all of this is targeted towards females, because Japanese females like that stuff- and so do a lot of other females, of course. That is to say, it’s not at all representative of gay men in reality. although some, like heterosexual fiction, may hit close to home to many.

BL is short for boys’ love but has gotten distinct from shounen-ai as that it usually includes yaoi nowadays.

HomosinYou might have figured out that I might have had a little trouble reconciling my penchant for gay porn (when I started watching porn, my interest could only stay on lesbian porn. Gay male porn was just soooo… Quiet… And hard to find when I was so young!) with my Christian beliefs and over and over I would pray to stop finding any pleasure in it, or promising the lord that I’ll never look at it again. I had a few crazy things happen when my parents saw or read what I read- back when they thought homosexuality caused AIDS and that the ‘lifestyle’ including unlimited sex and drugs and hell-bentness.

My mind had shut down and I was just so angry and depressed- over gay porn really! I couldn’t find interest in anything except books, but then I would get sexually aroused and nothing really eased that unless I read some yaoi.

I went back to it (duh) and eventually gave up god and have been doing my own thing ever since.

I wrote fanfiction, and now I work mainly on original stuff. But my desire for different, alternative sexualities and genders and sex(es) has me writing about male-leaning hermaphrodites in a fantasy slave society. I also identify with the kink scene and wish for deeper submission within myself and within such a society. I actually started with the rough stuff around middle school. Unfortunately, that was also a time where I got more selective with what gay porn I was reading (or what lesbian porn I was watching). I particularly remember several things that I perused oftener than anything else, or before trying out something new:

  • Velvet by Kumiko– A fanfiction between the main male adult characters in “Gundam Wing”, and one other of the main five. Basically, Turkey Blonde takes in Ginger, an ex-lawyer who was kidnapped and put into a whole slave ring sort of deal. Turkey Blondie is the master of the house and demands obedience. Chinese main guy is already his very obedient slave. Well, drama and kink ensue and it’s terribly wonderful and very much the fanfic that set me spiraling into BDSM. I lost it around 2003 and didn’t find it again until, I think, 2010. And I was¬†ecstatic.
  • A Little Wager by Casual Otaku– Another fanfic. The main¬†couple rivals of the video game series King of Fighters. I was actually going to skip it because it seemed super weebo with the terrible bits of Japanese thrown in so often and the fall-quickly-in-love trope. But with the author’s little tidbits, I had a feeling the person knew exactly what they were doing. So I kept on. Basically, one guy loses to another guy in a bet and has to do everything he says (haha, so original). Of course, the winner makes him his slave and then things get really heated and further into BDSM I go.
  • Kneel by bastmoon– …Fanfic! Hahaha! Between the co-protagonist and lead antagonist of anime “Fushigi Yuugi”. Pro gets taken prisoner by Anta. I could tell I was into some rough stuff because I didn’t follow “Fushigi Yuugi” at all. My aunt had one video which I watched the bloopers of over and over. However, I became super attached to this bit o’ porn.
  • Starts With a Spin by maxine– A Harry Potter, Draco/Harry fanfic that I’mma add just to show that I’m not only a sadist/masochist. I’ve read this four times!

You might be wondering…

Why though


When I was in 9th grade, my parents told me I would grow out of anime and video games, for various reasons, and that I’ll never follow through with them as a career or anything. I believed them, too, wanting to be a thoracic surgeon or some sort intensive doctor like that throughout my middle years in high school. Yeaaah….¬†That¬†followed through, didn’t it?

I can’t really think of why. There really wasn’t any turning point that I remember. When I was very young, five-six-seven and on, I remember imagining Barbie’s friends doing horrible things to Barbie while she was naked, and the characters of video game Tekken 2 getting together, doing vague nakey stuff, and having babies and fighting bad guys of various natures (I was big on an oatmeal… Like, everyone would be naked and covered in oatmeal and fighting bad guys). Now that I really think about it… I was pretty much destined for some really out-of-this-world shit.

But what, exactly, am I into in regards to Gay Porn and Other Delicacies, and what do I recommend as part of my crazy-ass psyche?

How about I explain that in Part 2: Tickle Me Bits
How about I explain that in Part 2: Tickle Me Bits

But what about the porn?

It is nearly half past five in the morning and I am writing a post on WordPress because it is something I’ve been meaning to do. I’ve also been putting off porn and masturbation because I like to think of yaoi sex before going to sleep, and it is nearly impossible for me to do that after an orgasm. But it is also nearly impossible in daylight, so I need to make this quick… One day I will figure out the orgasm and daylight thing, but not today!

I’m reading several webcomics right now. Most of them are yaoi/malexmale/gay or at least lgbtq related.¬†The Kingfisher¬†is the most surprising- well, after¬†Ship Jumper.¬†But I don’t take¬†Ship Jumper¬†too seriously. It’s pretty ugly to me, but it’s a bit funny and really gay with the main character, so, *shrug*. Anywho, I’ve been avoiding The Kingfisher¬†because the art was real ugly to me, too, but I knew- I¬†knew¬†– it would grow on me.

And, god, did it! I’ll freakin’ buy that shit! The art is still creepy as all get out, but I love it… I love it so much. It’s hilarious. And it has this fun versus evil side of vampires and ghouls and witches and the like that I just love about modern supernatural works!

Ship Jumper¬†I wouldn’t buy. It’s cute- ’bout this young man, his captain, and the enemy captain being marooned on an island. Young man and enemy captain end up together. It’s pure smut, but hey.

Then there’s¬†TJ and Amal.¬†You see, I’ve been trying to close myself off from liking too many things- things take up time. Time away from schoolwork.

By the way, I shirked this semester because I’m an utter failure. About a month out of school, and I have not the slightest inclination to go back. Isn’t that awful? But I have to continue with my life and get a job and money and…¬†live.

Back to things for a moment- I used to only really like fighting games. Then Japanese rpgs. Now, I’ve progressed to wanting Far Cry 3 and Assassins’ Creed 3 for Christmas. I also have been playing Dance Central 3 for a straight week-and-a-half. I was only meant for passing games. And drawing! I was meant for doodles, not buying artbooks! And reading! I was meant for manporn, not Bible-long epics! And movies! Action and comedy! Well… That’s still pretty much the same… Still, I love too many things… Anime and tv! Comedy! Now I’ll watch anything!

Anyway,¬†TJ and Amal is fuckin’ magic. Magic, I tell you. All that real emotional shiznit I always want, hot ¬†sex that I want sometimes, humor I want most times, and that realism that sometimes hits too close to home but I can totally handle it now.¬†Tj and Amal¬†has this guy- mysterious¬†TJ¬†who seems to be running away from something sketchy- and¬†Amal¬†who’s been disowned by his father after coming out- well these two guys take a road trip to somewhere more free, in different ways for them. Lovely.

Next, The Prince of Cats has this guy Lee, who’s gay and is in love with his best friend, and Frank, also gay. High School Drama stuff that’s really cute. Something to tone down from¬†Tj and Amal¬†or¬†The Kingfisher or tone up from¬†Ship Jumper. Thing is, Lee talks to cats and they talk back and I want to know what that’s all about.

Feral Gentry.¬†Male fairy meets more of his kind. It looks cute, though not really gay. Oh, it is animated sometimes- that’s what’s got me hooked!

I also checked for the new pages of¬†The Young Protectors,¬†Teahouse, Starfighter,¬†Purpurea Noxa, Oglaf, The Spectre, Lackadaisy,¬†and¬†Cheap Thrills,¬†though the last three haven’t updated this week.

Lastly (as if this is so very organized), Skyrim’s latest DLC, Dragonborn, is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Dawnguard. Like, seriously, this could be a whole new game. I’ve been in Solstheim for the last nine days whenever I play Skyrim. Very much worth the dollars I put into it.