Tag Archives: gay

When People Fear Sexual Expression

Or Gay Porn and Other Delicacies Part II: Was going to be ‘What I Like’ but the pictures I want to insert are pretty embarrassing to look for in a public library.

I’m at a new school. My computer may have been utterly destroyed with all my writing and pictures and music, et cetera, gone for the most part. But my itch to write has gone to shingles level, so here I am, trying to pinch out a blog post in one or two hour spurts. I put out that one before- about Blurred Lines? But that was a ‘Moment of Inspiration’.

Miley-CyrusSo you’ve heard about Miley Cyrus, of course. At the time my sister was watching the VMAs, and I had been there in the living room most of the day studying for German, which I hadn’t taken for more than a year and have now jumped into its intermediate class.

When Miley came on, my sister and I agreed that her hair looked stupid and nothing about her was really appealing. Her song was okay, her part of “Blurred Lines” was horrendous (though I might be biased because I fuckin’ love that song, besides the non-consensual connotation that I keep hearing about). My sister (and the other family members that joined us) were so shocked that the Disney star was dancing like that.

And I couldn’t help but think… Isn’t she, like, twenty? Matter-of-fact, she was the aforementioned sister’s age. And my sister has a two-year-old daughter. You don’t think Miley, like the rest of us humans, grows up beyond canned laughter and the tried and true best-friends-fight episodes, that-boy-isn’t-all-he’s-cracked-up-to-be episodes, the friggin’ surprise-birthday-goes-wrong-but-it’s-all-about-love episodes? Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ll watch such episodes of a show I really like (Supernatural or Spongebob, for example), but I know what they are, and I know what’s beyond.

My, what if she stayed like Taylor Swift. I’ve never listened to an artist so glued on monotony (wait, Maroon Five… But they are, like, a band… And Levine has some curve to his voice sometimes).

Anyway, I don’t mind it. I don’t listen to any of her songs, but, I’m good, and it’s just tiresome to hear the craziness that can follow.

I recently had a conversation with my new friends about Miley Cyrus, and one of the ladies there said that Miley ‘doesn’t have to be sexually provocative to be popular’ (Swift, a case in point- and notice how I call Miley by her first name… but not Taylor Swift? Hm.)

‘You don’t have to be slutty’

‘You don’t have to act like a whore and grind’

AkkpP

Yea… But what if you freakin’ want to?! Do people who say this, and there are soooooooooooooooo many who do…. so many… Do people who say this think that all people who act sexually for money don’t actually LIKE doing it? That perhaps, hey, it’s fun. I can wear less clothes and it’ll feel freeing and controlling and get a whole lot of attention? And I would like to be freeing and controlling and get attention by being sexually expressive? No, I don’t want to write a damn book and I don’t want to feed all of Libya. I want to strut what little I got and have fun?

Now, I wouldn’t do that, mainly because it seems tiring and I don’t have the complexion for it. And I like writing and translating a lot more.

Which brings me to the gay.

Channin'

I guess this isn’t gay, per se, but the number of conceptions you build upon seeing this image (WHORE- MANWHORE- GAAAAAAAAY- OBJECTIFICATION- *scream*) is one of the many ways we express our limits of sexual expression.

There’s a sort of subtlety, but not really, when we come across something like Channing Tatum backin’ that ass up, and some guy screams out, “That’s fucking gross! I don’t wanna see that.” Or, the many times my mom and other women would see a female strutting some which way and would just be completely grossed out and say terrible things like ‘slut’ or some such.

Of course, if you give them the stink eye, they’ll scream about their heterosexuality, but I’ve come to realize, to actually be able to voice my dilemma about such a defense. It had come as a super confusing intuition before, but then I actually realized:

Being straight doesn’t mean hating the same sex.

And it definitely doesn’t mean you hate the same sex whenever they are being sexual. Straightness’ only connotation to me is: you enjoy the opposite sex, probably within the parameters of the sex’s stereotype. (Females are smaller, softer, cuter. Men are bigger, muscular, handsome. Whatever.)

On the flip side, many people have wondered why I enjoy homosexual men so much. Many could understand my affinity for lesbians because 1) most who have asked me are men and 2) someone like me who also likes women would probably like to see lesbians/lesbian sex.

Again, intuition reigned supreme, and I couldn’t relinquish a straight answer. Most of the time, it wasn’t a question I found interesting and needed answering, but now I do:

Gay men have better sex, especially in yaoi.

Now, I’m not saying overall. What I mean is, the only lesbian fiction I’ve had the pleasure to read were- minus a few gems- porn for men, which gets real old, real fast. Or it was too much on the romanticism. I love romance, I do. By itself, no. I don’t like much by itself. (And neither do you, I think.). I can’t, like I said in Gay Porn and Other Delicacies, even take a lot of romance in gay fiction- like Maurice. Romance (and sex etc.) must be twisted upon by something else.

Wolfin'And whatever medium – book , film, tv- can have gratuitous amounts of sex and blood, but as long as something else is there, I can manage it. Fortunately for me, the kink genre in gay erotica has just that extra pizzazz for me to sit down and enjoy, even though sometimes it can hold back and I doze off.

And most yaoi I’ve read- whether it’s Alcide/Elric crazy kinky vampire-werewolf fanfiction or a saga about a pair of detectives, have much more of that extra than I can ever hope for. And as an extensive, intensive reader, I feel entitled to a bit of spice every now and again and, if I want, in every fucking cake I eat.

Really, I feel, just, indignant when anyone wonders why or even hints at “You read/watch that stuff?” and I’m like, well, what do you do in your spare time? Because if you aren’t reading yaself a book, teaching yourself a language, practicing an instrument, writing short stories of any any nature, crocheting a blanket- you know, such things that I do nearly every day, don’t talk.

The thing about sexual expression is that it takes over.

False! But, really, yea, that’s pretty much true. There doesn’t seem to be any existence to a person whenever they sexually express themselves, unless it doesn’t matter in that fashion to a certain person in the first place. When people think about yaoi, for example, gay porn is the only thing they’re left with (this process of ‘minimization’ occurs elsewhere as well- you know, like, when people complain about a movie and say it’s a ‘boy-meets-girl’ story, while completely ignoring the fact that the guy is a zombie in a near post-apocalyptic zombie-infested world and the girl is the daughter of ArmyDadDeluxe, and that an extreme form of zombie was posing a risk to them all. By the way, that’s what I heard from someone about the movie Warm Bodies. And I was like… Really? That’s what you got from that?)

Sex is a compliment to life, and while having sex around others not involved is frowned upon, sexual expression doesn’t come close to it. There’s no need to fear it, whether from your preferred sex or not.

Emmaing

Over time, my tastes have broadened to an extremely zesty horizon that many would not touch, and it’s come to my attention that I can’t relate at all.

I actually cannot really… I don’t think ‘understand’ is the right word- I get it. But whatever the wavelength of empathy I cannot seem to connect to is, I can’t do it with people who are 100% gay or straight. I have come to ‘understand’ those orientations as simple preferences, like how I will not go out with someone who is religious or has bad breath.

I would just like that other people who can realize preferences as real, they can realize preferences for sexual expression are real as well, and it may not be anything as provocative as say….

I’m dressing like this because I want the D.

But simply, I look fucking hot in this and if you don’t like it, don’t look.

Which brings me back to the gay.

It’s hot, beyond the the reasons I mentioned before, the dichotomy between two swell-looking guys, or  cool-seeming guys, is pretty hot, and is often not seen in heterosexual fiction (No, I don’t think it exists…), and lesbian fiction I’ve come across hasn’t been beyond what I’ve seen (although I’m trying). Add in kink and supernatural and we got just crazy things to look forward to.

Samming

 

Oh, don’t tease me.

Gay Porn and other Delicacies Part One: A History

If you know me well, you would know that I find homosexual acts very objectifyingly satisfying. If this offends you in any way….

A IDGAF
You saw the title! Whatcha click for?

As I was saying, from a young age, I’ve enjoyed homosexual acts. As I’ve edited this post, I realized not only did/do I enjoy homosexual acts between men, it’s the same for women (and really, any consensual acts between attractive humans is pretty much okay).

In 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade- all three?- we had a porn video. We called it the ‘blank tape’ because, as you might’ve guessed, it was blank. I don’t remember who put it in the VCR first. Perhaps we all did before we all came together and realized that everyone else knew that the tape was nudie. Ma and Pa told us not to watch it, the youngest (Lil Sis and Lil Bro- both #2) would put it in the VCR all the time and laugh and giggle and do things that little kids do when they are being little assholes who do things they know they’re not supposed to do, yadda yadda yadda, and found a little interest in it.

One time, I watched it from the beginning to end. Under the pretense of sickness, I skimped out on Bible study to get the damn thing all to myself without worry of someone coming out of a room to catch me- though I’m sure someone had it in their mind that I would look at it.

It was made up of about five or six scenes, and the second scene- about 32 minutes in, maybe- was a lesbian scene. I didn’t know what things like aroused and turned on or horny meant, but I recognize now that the lesbian scene was indeed arousing.

But I skipped it. I was a God-fearing ten-or-so-year-old and I was already being terrible enough. Plus, I thought that the heterosexual couples were- don’t laugh- were, you know, together. Husband and wives and stuff.

stupid me

And I watched the rest, always with the lesbian scene in the back of my mind. I don’t know exactly what happened afterwards, but I believe Ma or Pa called home saying they went out to eat something and so, though I had planned to stop completely when I had satisfied my curiosity, I decided to watch the lesbian scene completely. I turned it up a little and it turned out to be a ‘mother’/’daughter’ thing. The ‘mother’ apparently cheated on the ‘daughter’ and the ‘daughter’ decided to punish her… by having sex with her… Or something.

You don’t care about ‘plot’ in porn and neither did I. Somewhat. I always enjoyed the scene more when I could hear it, even putting in earphones.

Around the same time, my aunt had an anime magazine. It had a review on the BL/yaoi/shounen ai/gay-romance-intended-for-a-female-audience Original Video Animation called “Fake”.

First BL

I most definitely was watching “Fake” on the DVD player around the same time as I would sneak the blank tape in the dying VCR. And it was only until the VCR died and all our VHS tapes disappeared that I started gay male romance hunting in earnest.

Let’s back up. There was only a very tiny anime picture for “Fake” in the magazine. My aunt had bookmarked it and, her being my favorite aunt then and now, I was completely interested in what had her smiling every time she looked at it.

The two characters you see had their faces close together and all, and at the time I had no fucking idea which was the girl and which was the boy (that’s heterosexual privilege by the way-you see people making lovey-dovey eyes and you start putting them in gender constructs!). I guessed the light-haired guy on the bottom was the girl, because, ya’ know, he was light-haired and on bottom.

But I went back to the article, because I tend to get batshit-obsessed with things until I completely figure them out. My aunt caught me and got pissed and so I was scared away for about a month.

And then the “Fake” DVD appeared in our house, held among my aunt’s possessions. I tried to watch it through my parents’ room; their door had windows in them so that I could see into that entertainment room in which my aunt would watch “Fake” alone. But she caught me and covered up the windows.

One day, while she was watching it, I actually read the review article on “Fake” by Sanami Matoh in the comfort of her room. I remember the way they wrote it came off to me in big neon lights as GAY PORN!!!!!! I was sure it was going to be just as raunchy as the lesbian scene. Later, aunt went out drinking or something and the family went to Bible study and I, legit, had to practice my trombone for a chair test coming up (a chair test that started me in the first three chairs for the rest of my middle school career, as I would never, ever be among the last again). 

I watched all of “Fake”. I think there were two kissing scenes and dark-haired dude trying to undress light-haired dude. Overall, though I did like the ghost-and-murder plot and all, the GAY PORN!!!!!!! bit was quite lacking. Didn’t stop me from watching it at every opportunity, though. 

Of course, I still believed in god and all that…

Sexy Zechs-yStep back. My aunt also read fanfiction. She gave me a Dragon Ball Z fanfic with Bulma and Vegeta and told me to skip the ‘nasty’ parts. Of course, I read them. (Mama also gave me romance novels, where I realized that adult writing can be just as simple as what I read at school, and that the middle part of any piece of erotic writing is probably a sex scene).

And after/around that time (March 2000) the anime series Gundam Wing appeared on Cartoon Network. Gundam Wing had five main guys and was a catalyst not only for more serious anime to appear in America on a more regular basis (and not just Pokemon and Yugioh type shits to cater to children and their fetish for toys), but also for gay fanfiction. There were also two other main guys. Turkey Blondie up there and his best friend… lover… enemy… Very complicated have-to-watch-the-show-to-understand thing. They were my favorite couple to read.

Putting the pieces together, I started to look for gay erotic fanfiction because heterosexual fanfiction was either 1) Romance lovey-dovey same shit over and over utter crap 2) Straight-out porn. I mean, a lot of fanfiction- most of fanfiction is pretty much porn. But I’m talking about that porn porn. For example, you can’t really put A Rake’s Vow by Stephanie Laurens in the same category as Real Female Orgasms 13, as there’s something infinitely more pornographic about something about orgasms and a harlequin for which many can’t wait until the heroine and her lover bump uglies. Another post entirely. 

And that’s when I found yaoi (or, as I like to call it, BL, so I could encompass shounen-ai). The main distinction between the two is that yaoi is a lot more pornographic than shounen-ai, usually. Yaoi is an acronym for it, really. While shounen-ai translates to boys’ love, and is more about, you guessed it, love between males. Of course, all of this is targeted towards females, because Japanese females like that stuff- and so do a lot of other females, of course. That is to say, it’s not at all representative of gay men in reality. although some, like heterosexual fiction, may hit close to home to many.

BL is short for boys’ love but has gotten distinct from shounen-ai as that it usually includes yaoi nowadays.

HomosinYou might have figured out that I might have had a little trouble reconciling my penchant for gay porn (when I started watching porn, my interest could only stay on lesbian porn. Gay male porn was just soooo… Quiet… And hard to find when I was so young!) with my Christian beliefs and over and over I would pray to stop finding any pleasure in it, or promising the lord that I’ll never look at it again. I had a few crazy things happen when my parents saw or read what I read- back when they thought homosexuality caused AIDS and that the ‘lifestyle’ including unlimited sex and drugs and hell-bentness.

My mind had shut down and I was just so angry and depressed- over gay porn really! I couldn’t find interest in anything except books, but then I would get sexually aroused and nothing really eased that unless I read some yaoi.

I went back to it (duh) and eventually gave up god and have been doing my own thing ever since.

I wrote fanfiction, and now I work mainly on original stuff. But my desire for different, alternative sexualities and genders and sex(es) has me writing about male-leaning hermaphrodites in a fantasy slave society. I also identify with the kink scene and wish for deeper submission within myself and within such a society. I actually started with the rough stuff around middle school. Unfortunately, that was also a time where I got more selective with what gay porn I was reading (or what lesbian porn I was watching). I particularly remember several things that I perused oftener than anything else, or before trying out something new:

  • Velvet by Kumiko– A fanfiction between the main male adult characters in “Gundam Wing”, and one other of the main five. Basically, Turkey Blonde takes in Ginger, an ex-lawyer who was kidnapped and put into a whole slave ring sort of deal. Turkey Blondie is the master of the house and demands obedience. Chinese main guy is already his very obedient slave. Well, drama and kink ensue and it’s terribly wonderful and very much the fanfic that set me spiraling into BDSM. I lost it around 2003 and didn’t find it again until, I think, 2010. And I was ecstatic.
  • A Little Wager by Casual Otaku– Another fanfic. The main couple rivals of the video game series King of Fighters. I was actually going to skip it because it seemed super weebo with the terrible bits of Japanese thrown in so often and the fall-quickly-in-love trope. But with the author’s little tidbits, I had a feeling the person knew exactly what they were doing. So I kept on. Basically, one guy loses to another guy in a bet and has to do everything he says (haha, so original). Of course, the winner makes him his slave and then things get really heated and further into BDSM I go.
  • Kneel by bastmoon– …Fanfic! Hahaha! Between the co-protagonist and lead antagonist of anime “Fushigi Yuugi”. Pro gets taken prisoner by Anta. I could tell I was into some rough stuff because I didn’t follow “Fushigi Yuugi” at all. My aunt had one video which I watched the bloopers of over and over. However, I became super attached to this bit o’ porn.
  • Starts With a Spin by maxine– A Harry Potter, Draco/Harry fanfic that I’mma add just to show that I’m not only a sadist/masochist. I’ve read this four times!

You might be wondering…

Why though

 

When I was in 9th grade, my parents told me I would grow out of anime and video games, for various reasons, and that I’ll never follow through with them as a career or anything. I believed them, too, wanting to be a thoracic surgeon or some sort intensive doctor like that throughout my middle years in high school. Yeaaah…. That followed through, didn’t it?

I can’t really think of why. There really wasn’t any turning point that I remember. When I was very young, five-six-seven and on, I remember imagining Barbie’s friends doing horrible things to Barbie while she was naked, and the characters of video game Tekken 2 getting together, doing vague nakey stuff, and having babies and fighting bad guys of various natures (I was big on an oatmeal… Like, everyone would be naked and covered in oatmeal and fighting bad guys). Now that I really think about it… I was pretty much destined for some really out-of-this-world shit.

But what, exactly, am I into in regards to Gay Porn and Other Delicacies, and what do I recommend as part of my crazy-ass psyche?

How about I explain that in Part 2: Tickle Me Bits
How about I explain that in Part 2: Tickle Me Bits

Vassalord or Why I Love Animation Budgets! or Why I Hate Animation Budgets!

Rating: 10/10

  • 10= Orgasmic and will watch again, by myself
  • 9= Awesomesauce, high chance of watching again, by myself
  • 8= Fantastic, medium chance of watching again, by myself
  • 7= Great, there’s a chance of watching by myself
  • 6= Nice, would need inspiration to watch by myself
  • 5=Good, will watch again , with friend(s)
  • 4= Average, medium chance of watching again, with friend(s)
  • 3= Below Average, low chance of watching again even with friend(s)
  • 2= Ho-hum, no chance of watching again
  • 1= Bad, regret watching

K Project Review

Uta no Prince-sama Review

From hereon, and I should have put this in others, but there are spoilers- SPOILERS!- spoilers~ Alright? Alright.

Biases and pet peeves relevant to this anime with correlating points that don’t mean much:

  • HOLY ANIMATION BUDGET! +200
  • Supernatural/Paranormal/Sci-fi +20
  • Good fanservice +30
  • BL fanservice +70
  • Fighting +10
  • Tasteful drama +50
  • Twist! +100

 

  • I can think of something…
  • Hrm…
  • No sex! -2
  • ?
  • Not long enough! -20

End score- 458! Much higher than “K Project”, and even though it is entirely sexless, I was very much impressed with this OVA.

So what happened?

Snazzy
Charles Chrishunds

This is who the caption says he is. He is as horribly serious as he looks. Which as usual in the anime/manga world- especially anime/manga with a tinge (well, a lot more than tinge, perhaps) of BL- makes him utterly adorable. He’s a second-generation-vampire cyborg.

You heard right, VAMPIRE CYBORG. Plus, he’s a super-religious guy who only drinks vampire blood- basically that of his maker.

I actually read “Vassalord” the manga while I was in the now-defunct Borders at the mall. They had an intensively ginormous manga section. What I could get out of “Vassalord” was that Charles was made a vampire by a nonchalant guy named Johnny Rayflo. Isn’t that not just the coolest name ever?

I know more now because of the anime, where Charles gets Johnny ‘as food’ to bring with him on a vampire-hunting mission from the Vatican- yay!

How I feel on mornings.
Johnny Rayflo and…How I feel on mornings.

Turns out, some nun issued this as a private mission in order to trade Johnny for a little lady in a tank. Next thing we see, little lady has killed everyone at this secret church place, and Charles and Johnny arrive, and Charlie is worried about Johnny sacrificing himself.

Little lady, named Maria, doesn’t care for dear Charlie, and we learn that she is also one of Johnny’s ‘children’, except a lot older than Charles, and, um, crazy. When Johnny refuses to kill Charles as she demanded, she tries to kill Charles instead. What happens then… Mwahahaha!

Now, like I said, I’ve only seen a smidgen of the Vassalord manga, and forgot about it the years since (it was like five or six years ago that I read the few chapters), so I had no idea that this thing had action, just gay vampire dudes. Or two vampire dudes that had no trouble doing everything but sex with each other. With that in mind, and the fact that the Aarinfantasy forum had it in the BL section, I wasn’t expecting much. BL anime tend to be horribly or lazily animated, even if they were beautiful. For example “Gakuen Heaven”, “Gravitation”, and “Sukisho” can have some pretty good stills, but it might as well have stayed manga because nothing moves very much. I noticed that they are pretty drama-packed. But even BL with sex- like “Ikoku Irokoi Romantan”, “Koisuru Boukun”, or “Winter Cicada”- where most viewers would be happy if they just put more money in the animation for the sex scenes, especially if you do them straight up! Buuuuuut… Nope! Still crappy.

“Ai no Kusabi”, the ’90s and newest one, didn’t have straight-up sex. I, for one, wasn’t waiting for the climax, literally and figuratively, of the story to be a gorgeous sex scene. They didn’t push that either; however, there were many little scenes- artistic scenes- of sexual acts. What I mean by artistic is that the makers knew they couldn’t afford good animation so they decided to show tasteful reactions, like this:

I wonder what's going on...
I wonder what’s going on…

You can just feel the strain, which you can’t feel in low-budget anime where there are a bunch of cookie-cutter comical faces and the overuse of special effects to demonstration a sense of movement or depth- like this gif does. Look at the shadowing, and how each individual muscle beacons its own movement- see the crease that appears in the leg at the top just as the foot turns. That is how you compensate for not being able to do something huge and glamorous- focus on those minute details and let it shine. Now, I like me comical faces and special effects, for sure, but when I see it used so blatantly to cover up a low budget, I just get sad in the center ya’ know?

And that’s where “Vassalord” really puts out.

Holy animation budget!
Holy animation budget!
Holy animation budget! Part Deux
Holy animation budget! Part Deux

When I saw that first bit at the beginning, I was like- wait, is this BL? Perhaps it’s just fanservice like “K Project”!

Holy BL!
Holy BL!

And then I was like, uhm, no. I mean, here, it could still be fanservice.

If you were desperate for them not to be gay. Otherwise, you would pretty much assume these guys liked each other a bit more than friends. In any case, I’ve already watched this three times and have no problem with watching it more often. It’s quick and sweet and beautiful.

I read a complaint that the humor was off-putting. There wasn’t much… um… funny in this. There was some cute banter, but nothing that took away the seriousness of what was happening. Plus, Charlie’s like 150 and Johnny is, what, a thousand? Puurty sure nothing’s that serious anymore.

To be honest, this would be an even more perfect movie if it had a sex scene, but, from what I heard, the manga doesn’t even have sex in it, so…

Alright,so I was going to put another picture for something I searched but the results were super fucked up. So that’s the end of this review! Watch Vassalord!

 

 

Yaoi Webcomics and Such: What, Where and Why

Note: I’m sorry this page looks like crap. WordPress won’t keep it the way I want it. After so much damn time I put into this list, I’m pretty pissed.

This is the list of webcomics that I read. Most of them are gay. This is a post a long time in coming, and is linked on my About/Home page. It’ll be edited as time goes on. There are plenty of other good webcomics out there, but I have specific tastes, and so do you. Here are my recommendations (pics are links!):

This little baby above is special because the people have a specific way of linking to their stuff- so there you go. “A Broken Winter” was pretty much ignored by me because- though it has gay males in an dystopian society, plot and prettiness- this story goes a lot darker than how my tastes usually run. I couldn’t read too much without dying a little on the inside. Nevertheless, it has magic and mystery and just more than you would expect in something that could have gone in-love-with-best-friend-schoolboy route. By the way, the boy grows up.

Always Raining HereI have no idea what “Always Raining Here” is about, and I don’t particularly like the art. I’m actually saving it for a rainy day (no pun intended) and when I am feeling particularly down. The cutesy art style, and the fact that it is labeled by the own site as a ‘BL comic’ tells me it will be dramatic (not my taste) but heartfelt. I can already feel it in the art, and I’ll need this someday.

Atland

I haven’t seen an update from “Atland” in a while. “Atland”, though cartoony in style, not gay (though one of the main characters is a lesbian!), is funny, clever, and sweet. Basically, a zombie prince is revived by a priestess to stop an evil in Atland, a fantasy land. A few more characters join, and you have adventures all over the place. I finished the 300+ pages in about a week.

Boned Another webcomic I’m not so sure about. “Boned” has two couples- obviously- and it has just started. The POC got me, and the beginning. The author said the comic is weird, so I’m up for something supernatural, but it seems it my be a gay drama- which I’m totally okay with. The art is very specific and confident. Though not my favorite style, it’s good enough for me to follow.

TheReporterandTheGirl“The Reporter and the Girl” is a mixture of text, video, and comic. The lengths the creators went to into making this got my interest. Yet again, I have no idea what it is about, but I intend to marathon its 18 chapters soon. It doesn’t look gay (gee, really) but its unique vibe had me bookmarking it, and placing it here. This is also a WordPress blog. Cool beans, right?

The Less Than Epic Adventures of TJ and AmalThis is “The Less Than Epic Adventures of TJ and Amal”. For some reason, I saw this webcomic and was like, “Nah”. I was probably very busy at the time with school and stuff. I came back to it when I had more time and now I’m like- HOW DID I PASS THIS UP? Fortunately, I spent months away, so I had months of pages to come back to. The POC (Amal, dur) is wonderful. He and TJ are going from California to New York: Amal is going to his sister’s graduation (at the same time running away from an engagement and coming out to his family) and TJ is going to live with a tattoo artist (and running away from a drug dealer). This comic is epic. If you want my honest opinion, this is the sole must-read on this list. I like other comics better than “TJ and Amal”, but “TJ and Amal” is the best.

The Kingfisher“The Kingfisher”… How apt that this came after “TJ and Amal” (I had added the pictures randomly). This comic was also skipped, because I didn’t like the art. I decided to give it ago because I gave the duo above a second chance. Yet again, I had accumulated enough pages to quench my sudden thirst for this story. Lead character Jack (gay!) is turned to vampire and is swept into their highly hierarchical society, where a coup is coming up from a poor lunatic man from the past. My summary doesn’t do it justice, but this comic deserves more attention- it’s so well-written (and funny) I thought perhaps the guy wrote stories on the side. I would say it’s a must-read, but the art and vampire storyline might turn people off. There isn’t a lot of sex either.

The Young Protectors Written by the same guy who wrote “Artifice”, also on the website, finished, and highly recommended, “The Young Protectors” is a gorgeous webcomic in the style of superhero comics. Main guy Kyle is currently with (platonically) Silver Fox Duncan. Duncan had blackmailed Kyle into his first kiss, saying he would tell the world he was gay. Kyle is the superhero Red Hot, while Duncan is a supervillian, the Annihilator. Anyone who wanted Batman and Robin to hook up, this is the closest thing right now. It also has the most consistent updates. I don’t think Mr. Alex Woolfson has ever gotten sick.

TeahouseThis is “Teahouse”. “Teahouse” is beautiful. It is hilarious. It is moving (character-wise, for me). It is friggin’ sexy. Did I mention beautiful and hilarious? This comic is what got me into webcomics (“Artifice” is a close second). It’s about a bunch of whores and their lives. The beauty and comedy and sex eclipses the drama that would usually turn me away from such stories. I’ve bought their comics, and their special additions. I’ve bought their fucking stickers. Though storytelling-wise, this doesn’t really hold against “TJ and Amal” or “Kingfisher”… It tickles all my bits. I would give it a must-read, but the pace may be slow for most people and may have too much smut. Read it anyway.

Starfighter“Starfighter” followed “Teahouse”. A lot of their followers would say the same. Cain and Abel are those two (you can probably guess which is which) and they are Fighter and Navigator, respectfully, for a spaceship in an army. Cain seems to want Abel for something (other than sex, but Abel nor we readers know) Other characters have finally joined the cast to rile things up. Their side of the war has taken a turn for the worst, but we’ll see how it goes. The creator has a bunch of good art too. My favorite is the alien and Candy Ass.

Spectre and Avenier“Spectre” follows the Avenier website creepy style with some poor guy being kidnapped and, I believe, SPOILER maybe, experimented on. It’s my kind of story with a dominant master sort of guy, and a wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time sort of dude who doesn’t back down easily. Things are progressing nicely. Despite the grotesque pictures sometimes, and the many gory sexualized images available on the Avenier website, it doesn’t feel nearly as dark or depressing as “A Broken Winter”. It’s kind of sad… As long as it has sex, I feel better.

Shounen Fight“Mahou Shounen Fight” is about four magically transforming boy superheroes embodied with the spirit of the seasons to fight any threats to Mama Earth. Is it as cute as it sounds? Yes. Yes, it is. Go on and read it, it’s pure fluff and wouldn’t hurt a bit!

Sfeer Theory“Sfeer Theory” doesn’t seem to be about relationships, but about a war brewing across countries that sort of have this Pakistani-American vibe. I kind of got lost in reading it, as I was trying to understand the magic of Sfeer Theory. I’ll sound like a dumbass explaining it, but the art is wonderful and I’m enjoying the general gist of what is going on. Maybe someone else can explain the war and magic better, haha.

Red LanternMy guiltiest pleasure in all the known universe- and you should know that I have a lot of pleasures I should be guilty of. I avoided “Red Lantern” despite it’s impeccably gorgeous art, fantasy theme, war theme, whore theme.. Because, well, you can see why. I ended up liking it anyway. I haven’t checked it lately because the new location is difficult to keep my attention…. And the thought of the mountain of pages that await  my return sounds wonderful.

Purpurea Noxa“Purpurea Noxa” is another webcomic about vampires. I don’t really know specifically what’s going on and the writers’ native tongue is Italian, but the art is the closest to anime I’ve seen (“Teahouse” has a more artsy feel, though very much influenced by anime) and it surprised me with sex scenes. I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting it, but I wasn’t. Maybe because I’m so confused with the plot. I do know that there are separate covens working towards… something. I’ll have to read it again, haha.

Prince of Cats“The Prince of Cats” is what got me hovering around “Always Raining Here”. This ridiculously sweet story has these two guys coming out their senior year. It is pure drama, no sex, but the auburn-haired guy is talking to cats. And they talk back. I have no idea what is going on there, and I don’t think I’m supposed to know yet. If you like sweet almost run-of-the-mill BL stories, I recommend this.

Oglaf“Oglaf” is comedy, pure and simple. But I don’t know any comedic anything that has so much sex in it. But it’s not real, like, pornographic sex. This comic is more along the lines of classic American comics. You know, with a theme plus a punchline per page. Except “Oglaf” is, I don’t know, hilarious. This is a must-read if you like comedy, though the flippant display of sexual organs may turn people away (it attracted me!), I insist giving this a try because it is hundreds of pages of laughter. I ended up going through a few dozen pages reading stuff again- I’ve forgotten a lot.

Next Town Over“Next Town Over is  is a weekly paean to the western, with some steampunk and fantasy splashed in, updating at the stroke of midnight on Saturdays.  There’s some twists lurking a little deeper in the story, but it’s a bit early to tip my hand talking about those; as of this writing the comic is pretty newly-minted.” 

Not gay, but so far so good. You will have to read it, because anything I say will be spoiler. It’s a nice ride.

Ms Paint Adventures“Homestuck”.  I don’t even… I read all over that this was… good? A comic, or something, but it’s interactive and full of puzzles and mysterious that I’m just chomping through without any good idea what is really going on. A lot of yaoi-lovers like Homestuck so I’mma stick with it and see what’s up.

Minor Acts of Heroism“Minor Act of Heroism” is another comic I skipped because I thought it was yaoi, then I was afraid that it would be too weird for me, and I came back and found out it is about adorable young superheroes against adorable young villains (but they kill people…so… not that cute). The art may be too cute, but the story itself is getting pretty serious, and I love all the characters!

Master!“Master!” may have off-proportioned art, but you can probably understand why I read this, so I’m not going to bother. It does have a more serious plot, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’m tasting this bit by bit.

Manly Guys Doing Manly Things“Manly Guys Doing Manly Things” is a comic that mostly caters to lovers of video games and movies and such that perpetuate masculine stereotypes. I randomly found this comic in December last year and now this is one of the regulars. It pokes fun at the stereotypes and characters all across media (the creator has Syndrome from “The Incredibles”!), and tropes of many video games. It is also very beautifully drawn. Hilarious.

LackadaisyGORGEOUS “Lackadaisy” is about anthropomorphic cats living in Prohibition Era St. Louis, trying to keep a speakeasy sort of place afloat. I bought the calendar to this because I had to support the breath-taking art (at least rifle through the gallery, you won’t regret it), the wonderful characterization, the fuckin’ mood of the entire piece. This is one of the best finds I’ve ever had. And, when I have the money, I will continue to support this artist. Action and drama all the way, baby, and it’s done well.

Kyandi“Kyandi” is finished, but I’ve been putting it off because I know it has a sad ending. And sad endings are drama atom bombs. I’ll read it eventually. So far, I’ve read that this dude meets an old flame and things go on from there. I don’t really want to finish it, but one day I’ll just speed on through and cry.

Knights Errant“Knights Errant” is about an assassin who joins an army (actually, may be mercernary group) after not being able to be trusted by employers. He draws the attention of the leader of his part of the woods. It starts off with what looks like him and the leader in a jail cell (that’s the first page, so not spoiler really, right?) Um, this my not be gay, per se, but I can’t tell you more on that unless I want to spoil it.

Incubus Tales “Incubus Tales” is mostly what it sounds like. It’s fluffy, light art is unappealing, but it has some cute, sexy stories. I don’t really take it seriously, but it passed the time when I was reading, so you can try it out.

Feral Gentry“Feral Genry” is about fairies, so far named after certain trees. This guy, Tuomi, was mostly living alone before meeting a fairy named Cypress who invited him to her home. There seems to be something off about this whole situation. I like a good mystery, and the delicate art is strangely appealing, although I don’t usually like it. Perhaps it’s visceral, and fairies are supposed to be more delicate? (While “Incubus Tales” is smut and doesn’t have the art to make itself good smut for me, haha- Aren’t I conceited?)

Devoto- music in hell“Devoto: Music in Hell” was avoided because it gave off vibes, to me, for being similar to “A Broken Winter” after I read too many pages to it. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Anyway, main guy calls upon a demon of music so that he could play the piano. “Devoto” is funny and has some tragic elements of it, and puts a different spin on the fall of angels of Christian mythology. There isn’t a concrete separation between angels and demons like in most other representations, but a complex system that everyone is following. Anyway, that’s separate from the two in the picture. The art is dynamic and beautiful, the writing sometimes straightforward, sometimes witty, and sometimes off in the land of poetic art.

Cheap ThrillsBefore “Red Lantern”, I had “Cheap Thrills”. Though the art is… mediocre in the beginning, the creator makes leaps and bounds, and I ended up loving the story. It’s drama, but with drug use, and POC issues, and religion issues, and death issues- and it’s just very human and pulls at the heart guts. It starts off with main character Jeordie getting laid. There’s a lesbian main character (who’s my favorite!), and all sorts of other good stuff.

Boy Lessons“Boy Lessons” is something I’m not sure of. The art isn’t… Hmmm… It’s very expressive, but doesn’t really have form…But the formlessness of it gives it a sort of form, ya’ know. I’m only a few pages in, but this guy is trying to seduce the man who fired him. Don’t know who this creepy red-eyed dude is.

Hot Nerds and “A Maléan Demon”, Second Go

Started this chapter in October...
Started this chapter in October…

And I finished it sometime this morning and published it on Aarinfantasy- I’m not expecting much from there, but until my web protection clears the adult fanfiction forum, that’s pretty much all I can do, but I think I’ve got an untapped demographic.

On yahoo there is a slavery group, where people write a very specific type of slave fiction. I’m on there for the reads, though the stories are mostly horribly slow-going psychological adventures from a first-person view of a slave, mainly in a realistic, modern environment. I can get the draw in that, but I joined the forum, seeing as the group are almost exclusively male, for a bit more smut. Anyway, as for demographics, I posted a few times talking about some stories this week, and the number of views to my wordpress jumped, clicks coming from mainly my yahoo profile. And then there were some guys who wanted me to share my writing with the group. That’s basically what the main image is for.

Awkward hot guy I think I’mma break away from “The Maléan Cages” and work on the rewrite for “Demon” and write my new story on the slave yahoo group. Actually, it’s not think, I will do this.

As you may know, I”m not exactly fond of realistic fiction unless it’s ridiculously well done, or gay, though even that I can’t seem to keep my head on. I have Maurice by E.M. Forster, and though it is written very well, and Forster got his characters throwing shade all over the damn place, I find myself  reading something supernatural in between pages. Even gay kink, it just doesn’t fit well into my mental space.

Still, I managed to think up a plotline to appease the specifics of the slave yahoo group. Here are some general guidelines for the group:

 1. The story is in first-person. I tend to despise first-person in general (though “Demon” and “Gem” are in first-person, I find it hard to like it in my writing or others’)

2. The story is in a slave’s point-of-view most of the time. This feels highly pornographic, like how in porn you see mostly the female’s reaction and body language. In gay pornography, it is more even, which drives me insane. If bottoms in gay porn would just be more vocal, or the top a little more vocal, that would be great. Instead, I end up going to lesbian porn, where it seems like everyone is having a good time- but they tend to fake it more often than not…

3. The government/world condones slavery. This can go all places. As a black female, I’m proud to say that most of the authors I”ve seen are equal opportunity when making up their little universe. The rest tend to view white people as inferior. Crazy, right?

4. The master(s) are very comfortable with keeping slaves. This is the only view that I’m comfortable with.

5. The slave is not comfortable with being slave, and the story hinges on their budding slavehood. Sometimes this is very well-done (as in, men who didn’t want to be slaves still don’t like being slaves at the end of a story) buuuuut most of the time a story descends to a slave becoming some sort of master-stalker-crazy-slut. Bleh.

I haven’t thought of a title, but I’ve gotten the picture above.  I wanted a ‘hot nerd’. Of course, I didn’t really get nerds. I got hot girls and guys wearing glasses. Suddenly, hundreds of pictures through google, I found this guy. He’s some actor, Korean (Choi?), and his picture was titled ‘hot nerd’. I don’t know how he managed to pull off that awkward look (the picture would have been too long, but he’s sitting in a really stiff pose) but it was perfect. Only female ‘hot nerds’ have long hair, but I wanted someone with long, greasy hair. An ‘Ugly Betty’ sort of thing.

Anyway, in a society that condones slavery, some guy looking similar to ‘hot nerd’ (probably someone of mixed race, though) gets caught hacking a database belonging to a company selling popular high-end children’s toys. Lo and behold, he also finds out the company sells weapons to the government. By selling the toys at an overpriced value, the company profits enough to make weapons, which the company uses to tip the government in their favor.

‘Hot nerd’ was intended for neutralization (knowing too much and all that) by the government and most of the company’s shareholders, until one of the biggest holders of the company’s stock decided to make him his slave.

And it goes on from there. It keeps going off from realism, but I’m reining it in.

Somewhat Damien... Add green eyes, black hair.
Somewhat Damien… Add green eyes, black hair.

Same thing is going for “Demon”. Chapter 6 is dominated by Ashekli, which is understandable, though unintended. I have big plans for mostly every character, but Ashekli is one of the bigger ones.

Though I’m learning to draw, I don’t have a scanner, which is a good excuse to not show all of you my poor excuses for executing my characters’ faces. This picture here- Tite Kubo’s Bleach’s Kaname Tousen- is close to what Damien looks like. But Damien has green eyes and black hair. Kubo has the hair about right, but Damien is much thicker bodywise and may be even taller (he’s 7’3″).

It was extremely hard to find pictures for my characters, because they are dark-skinned. And the number of ethnic characters in video games or anime is quite small. Dismally so. You might want to ask, why don’t I just find real people? Well, I don’t know how to find good people who are bursting feeling- like Tousen above, or Elena below. I mainly find models and celebrities, and they don’t give off the right vibes.  Oddly enough, there’s blue-eyed blondes just about everywhere in anime and video games. Although….

This captures one of the essences of Ashekli
This captures one of the essences of Ashekli

Ashekli has blond (hay-colored) hair and blue eyes. Capcom’s Street Fighter’s Elena fits Ashekli the most. Tite Kubo’s Matsumoto has the length and fleshiness of Ashekli’s hair. Elena is a bit too skinny up top and cannot compensate for Ashekli’s hermaphroditic body (well, no one can, so far).

I like this picture very much, for Ashekli is from a rural area famous for warriors, and Elena’s carrying a fucking fish over her shoulder.

Here are some of Ashekli’s quotes from this published chapter:

“Wait… What? Earth? Brekar’s son? Oh, my God! So amazing! Are you serious!” At this moment Ashekli was screaming, inviting odd stares and laughs. “Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh my God! So whatcha doin’? Are you training under him? Is he outta his cave?” He squealed, coming close and nearly slamming his body into mine. “Are you training under Keen Bodesh? Karti Na? Oh! Marikari Tibbith? Saucy stuff that, yea?”

“I wasn’t thinking straight,” Ashekli murmured. “You know how ya panic right before you get on a roller coaster? I’ve only ridden a few but, like, the first couple times, I was like telling me Pa, ‘I can’t do it, I can’t do it’, even though I was working up for it and everythang… Butcha see? Once you’re on the ride, you ain’t gotta worry no more? So why do it?” 

Obviously, Ashekli has an accent and likes to talk. Though he’s proud of his beauty, he doesn’t seem to accept his impressive brawn. He also can’t accept injustice, and has a naive superhero vibe coming from him. This chapter he worms his way into Damien’s heart in various ways, and sets the ball rolling for Damien fulfilling destiny (or something corny along those lines).

Damien’s ‘mother’ Ashelee is from the same village as Ashekli. He doesn’t have an accent when he speaks English (most Maléans don’t), but, unknown to Damien because he’s never heard Ashelee  speak Maléan, Ashelee’s accent is even worse than Ashekli’s.

Ashelee, maybe This Tousen fanart does Ashelee the most justice. This thinner-haired, thin-bodied, vulnerable-seeming Tousen is mostly how Ashelee looks and feels. As a slave of one of the most powerful Maléans on the planet, the target of unrequited obsessive love, and with telepathic abilities, this picture screams Ashelee. Ashelee also wields swords and is extremely prideful (as I remember Tousen being).

I couldn’t find a picture to represent Delgio. He’s a huge, terrifying guy that would be a bad guy ANYWHERE ELSE. He’s really just a bad guy on the good side in my story. Why? Because that’s real life. We have psychopaths we’re not executing, though if they were in any movie, we would cheer for their deaths, but real life and real people do things to you.

The closest to psychopathic beauty I can represent Delgio with is Scar. Yes, the jealous bro’ from “The Lion King”. He’s also the reason why having green eyes (and the color green) is such a big thing on Malé.

Okay- just took a break to look up ‘hot scary anime male’. I got something close to Delgio Kar.

Delgio Kar

This is a pretty solid representation, down to the damn fangs. Unless you know who this guy is (which would probably break the spell), the feeling you have right now after seeing that picture would probably be similar to how you would feel after meeting Delgio Kar, on a nice day. Of course, Delgio is dark-skinned, and has green eyes and dreadlocks, but this, this came out of no where, and I’m glad I found it.

Now, imagine Delgio on a bad day, and he gets mad at you. His eyes turn to these:

black eyes delgio Without the tattoo thingy coming out, though.

So between, anime-influenced people in “A Maléan Demon”, and a ‘realistic’ piece of fiction…

….

“Omega Testing”, I have a good source of writing material. Plus, I need to catch up with 642!

“642 Things to Write About” while niece runs around

We aim for 10:15, but man, it’s Saturday, you know how things are.

Prompt #4: Write Facebook status updates for the year 2017

My response: 

Jan 1: I lived until 2017! In 2013 I made a post on a blog I have (had?) about this very Facebook status. At the time I had about a dozen people following, I had published about 30 posts and “A Maléan Demon”, “Gem”, some oneshots, plenty fanfics on Ai no Kusabi and some chapters of my discouraging “Cages”. I haven’t written about Cages in months at the time, but I was rewriting “Demon”. I just had one of the most disappointing birthdays ever, and found out that Young Justice was getting canceled for the year. One of my favorite shows then! I hope this years birthday is a lot better!

Feb (birthday!): It’s my birthday! Was it good? I hope it was! I’m 26! Do I have kids? Do I have a job? Am I in Japan? Do I have a master or mistress? Am I a WRITER? Can I draw now? How’s my niece in school? How’s my sisters and brothers? Do they have (more) kids? Do my parents have the house they always wanted? Is everyone happy? Can I do martial arts? Am I famous?!

Valentine’s Day: Happy V-Day from the past!

July 4th: Am I in Japan not looking at fireworks?

September (sister’s birthday): Happy Birthday! Long ago, we wrote about this! You should remember it!

October 31: Trick-or-treating would be great in Japan, where the streets and convoluted and unnamed.

December 25: Has Christmas been commercialized enough so that Ma wouldn’t talk behind my back on how I’m an athiest and celebrating Christmas? Maybe it’s been renamed! Do I still get video games?

My sister’s response: 

It’s my b-day! 21 baby! You know what that means? That’s right, internet surfing! (next day) I’m pregnant! Like if you think it’s a boy, comment if you think it’s a girl! Pray that they are twins. Too happy! Quite nervous though, but it’s going to be fun. I mean, I already took care of [niece] for about 6 years. Piece o’ cake.

~~~~My sis is a fucking riot!!!! Hahahaahahaaha!

On my brother’s bed with my latest story

I like to write stories (well, I like to do a hell of a lot of things). Um, control + f Writing Block if you want to read about me and writing.. This turned out a lot longer than I intended. 

I also have bipolar disorder (and allergies and asthma and a high risk of stroke without ever smoking cigarettes). 

I went home from school in November. I think I wrote about that, and, if I didn’t, that’s not what I want to write about. I know I wrote about the comics I am reading. I’ve started rereading Tj and Amal after a marathon of recently discovered by moi Manly Men doing Manly Things (It’s absolutely hilarious). For some reason, I got really motivated to write. 

But I’ve been outta school going on three months, and because of constant procrastination and hopelessness and pride and lack of motivation- it doesn’t seem like I’ll be able to go back to school at the end of January, which busted whatever healthy mentality I had left. Over these past weeks, I beat four games (Resident Evil Mercenaries, Resident Evil 6, The Walking Dead, and Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance…Hm, pick the one that doesn’t belong!) I was really motivated to beat the last two within the last two weeks because I’ve been sleeping 13 hour days and going into my “catatonic skipping” for most of the other 11. I’m a fucking mess.

Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to care in the least. No one else really does. Well, they’ll care if things become bad (like people do about gun control and rape culture), but most of the time it’s ignored. Not like I’m complaining- if I don’t care, why should anyone else? But it has gotten to a point where I start dwelling on that emo shit that nothing matters in the end and I’m all alone and fuck all what else. 

It’s not helping that my favorite person in the whole world (my brother) seems to have… We’ve kind of distance ourselves from each other. I’ve tried keeping up conversations with him- calling, texting, messaging on Facebook… But we’ve regressed to funny gifs passed between each other and lols. I have my pride, as I’ve said, and I don’t want to come across needy and desperate. My brother has my (what the hell- I meant his. Why did I put ‘my’?) own life to live. But to know that a relationship more precious than air can be rendered so makes me horribly bleak about the future. 

It doesn’t help that my other brother is on some fucking shtick. When I was at school, he and my father got in a fight. My brother was talking about killing himself at his school, and he was sent to a mental hospital and my dad was sent to jail for a week. That was in October. At first, I was all on my bro’s side because I was like- I understand some of your pain. I forgot how much of a little shit he is. He’s milking his situation for all it’s worth: threatening to call the police whenever Pops says boo shit to him, claiming to want to kill himself whenever he is forced to do homework or go to school or fucking apologize for some awful crap he says, and posting Facebook statuses threatening any and all who disagree with him. It’s gotten to a point where I honestly don’t even fucking like him anymore. And he’s such a shallow idiot, if he ever came across this and realized this was his sister, he’ll just be all tl;dr.

It doesn’t help that though my dad is getting the short end of the stick in the above situation, the man is still a gigantic asshole, and my bro’s behavior is his and Mama’s fault. All six of us kids have been telling our parents (since we eldest were in freakin’ elementary school) that they were spoiling him. When my dear brother and I were in high school, and my sister Statistic became such, we were afraid our youngest brother was going to turn out the same way, and we warned our parents. Dad continued to ignore us and Mama was forever like, “You were the same way when you were his age.” Now, it’s come to bite them in the ass. First of all, Mom can never say that shit to me again. When I was younger, and youngest idiot was in elementary school, I still was offended that my mother dare compare me to the likes of my younger brother- because he was a brat compared to me (I used to say that too, and she would say, “You’re a brat, too”). Those middle school years, I would remember when my dad would punch me or slap me or scream at me or call me “fucking stupid” or call me my brother’s slave or a little bitch or fight my brother. I remember in Kindergarten when I put on my favorite shirt and my dad hit me with the metal side of the belt because he was tired of it. I remember being smacked in the eye for choking on a piece of ice. I remember being hit in the stomach because I couldn’t hold my vomit when I got carsick. Yet, when I had told my parents that little bro yet again didn’t do his chores, and I did them for him so that everyone could be fine, I was the rebellious brat. 

Now that my bro is sixteen, I don’t really have to go back to that crap. When I was sixteen, I first chair in band, the only girl on the wrestling team, one of seven members of a high school chapter of a local sorority, making straight A’s, doing all the chores myself to keep a bunch of assholes happy. My bro is practically failing and hasn’t bathed in four days. 

To make me an even more terrible person (this is not sarcasm), I’m kind of glad this all happened. The assholes deserve each other. 

This whole experience hasn’t humbled my father in the least. We were playing Say Anything  (a tiny bit like Apples to Apples) and he was angry that the questions were unfair to people who didn’t know the ‘picker’ well. I.E. his wife and children. I argued that’s part of the game, and he came across so condescending and insulting, I made no efforts to make peace with him. Last night, my sister was finishing up The Walking Dead. She took a break and my dad came down from his room, thinking we were going to play something  more violent (we do play a lot of violent games. I convinced him to look at something so wonderful because The Walking Dead has a titillating amount of substance. Should have known he would ruin it… When the break was longer than he wanted- about seven minutes- he told me to play. I told him that she would miss the game. It was only after a bit of back and forth that I realized that my father hasn’t realized that the game industry has progressed beyond rather pointless coin-grabbing and dot-collecting. When I was trying to explain he suddenly got up and yelled, “Whatever, ya’ll are freakin’ pathetic” and left back to his room.

I told my mom to tell him not to call me pathetic anymore. She pats me on the goddamn arm and says something along the lines of “You know how he acts sometimes” and I told her to just make sure he doesn’t call me that anymore. Especially over something so stupid. Especially because he didn’t understand, and lashed out at me. 

Gee, I wonder why youngest bro has no sense of responsibility and ownership over the consequences of his actions. 

It doesn’t help (along those same lines) that my sister Statistic (the one with the new love of my life- my dear niece) gets drunk and/or high nearly every night, sexes up some guy on the internet nearly every night, complains about her ‘haters’ nearly every hour, and entertains/fantasizes about the thought of sending my niece to her father in New York for about a year. The guy who she couldn’t get to pay child support and so she has reaction formation about it- she made a Facebook video today to all the ‘bitches’ who try to make their ‘baby daddies’ pay child support. The guy who grabbed his daughter by the leg and shook her to make her stop crying. The guy who is a thousand of dollars in debt because he spent more on material to make Spice even as his child went hungry. The guy who made his daughter TERRIFIED of black men unless they grovel FOR WEEKS (or they always come by with candies and technology- i.e. my brother). 

Why does she entertain this idea, you may ask? She’s tired of ‘never doing anything she wants to do’ and ‘taking care of [niece]’. Mind you all her recreational activities. And let’s add her club-going and sneaking out the house- twenty fucking years old. Let’s add the fights she get into with her ‘haters’. The fights she talks about over and over and over and over to all her boy-friends. 

And whenever she gets a job- SHE’S HAD SO FREAKIN’ MANY- LIKE SEVEN OR EIGHT SINCE BEING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. Sorry for the caps… Not like anyone is still reading…. Well, she gets high or drunk or pissed and ends up getting fired. She always talks about joining the military. Gets a go about it for a week, two at most, and goes back to the usual stuff. It’s gotten to the point where no one thinks she’ll stick with anything… Kind of like when she started what my parents thought would be her rebellious phase, and was lying constantly so no one believed anything she says (still don’t). 

I’m not upset with her doing stupid shit. I do it enough as well. What I can’t stand is how she can’t own up to it- just like Pops and lil bro.Nothing is ever their fault and even when it obviously is, there’s something indefatigably stupid about you for pointing it out. 

It doesn’t help that my niece is her daughter. 

It doesn’t help that the other sister is on her way to becoming like me, socially wise. Things are probably going to be better for her though. She’s Christian, straight, pretty ‘girly’ in all its stereotypical connotations and concerned with things like popularity and such like that. When I asked her to help me write a Christmas card to a dying kid, she told me such kind of things make her jealous. “Over the cancer kid?” I had asked. She replied that was so. I told her that was bad. She simply shrugged and continued watching Netflix. She is the sibling I most connect to (because of anime, lack of self-esteem and certain books) but something changed then that made me lose all hope for a few days, and now makes my heart heavy. She’s overweight and has extremely high blood pressure, so that hurts her esteem. But she’s cute and funny, while I’m a hairy, bipolar, ugly bitch. 

Ewzers. 

It doesn’t help that my last brother is amazing, but because of age difference and personality differences we never really bonded as I did with my older brother, and now so far in our lives (like it’s sooooo far, haha) I don’t want to get close to him because I don’t want to be separated. 

But from my Writing Block, of which I intended to write and got way sidetracked, and making myself happier with comics, I opened up a story that I hadn’t updated, though I was so excited to share… I opened it up and anxiety welled up inside me. 

YOU CAN’T EVEN STAY IN SCHOOL! YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO FINISH THIS?

YOU’VE NEVER HAD A LOVER!

YOUR BROTHER DOESN’T CARE FOR YOU ANYMORE- HE HAS [HIM].

ISN’T THAT YOUR FIFTH DR. PEPPER?

YOUR FEET ARE CRACKED AND BLEEDING FROM SKIPPING- YOU’RE A LUNATIC.

YOU’RE STILL FANTASIZING ABOUT SOME DEUS EX MACHINA TO SAVE YOUR LIFE- HOW PATHETIC!

YOUR MONEY IS ALL GONE BECAUSE YOU SPEND IT TO FILL THAT VOID IN YOUR LIFE- THAT VOID THAT IS GOING TO GET BIGGER AND BIGGER AND BIGGER!

LOOK AT YOU, CRYING OUT FOR HELP- BUT NO ONE IS GOING TO HELP YOU. YOU’RE GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE. EVERYONE KNOWS IT. 

YOUR FAMILY IS GOING TO GET WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE- YOUR MOM IS GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER ANEURYSM. POPS IS GOING TO DIE OF CANCER AND YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL AWFUL. 

CHARLIE’S GOING TO BE LIKE [STATISTIC] OR END UP DEAD FROM NEGLECT. 

YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY. YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY. YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY. 

YOU’RE BIPOLAR AND YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY. 

*cue shutting down computer music*