Tag Archives: dad(s)

INTENTION! vs. impact… Fucker, do you understand?!

Boulders Tumblr

 

Let me start off by saying that I intend to make a big impact however I can as long as I live. I will be posting some things in the next few days that will make some readers uncomfortable, and the best thing you can do in that case is hide away and read something that will stroke your deflated ego. That’s what I’ll surmise in any case.

My sister worked on a farm in June. It was  a very lovey-dovey, sensitive sort of shindig where they sat in a circle and had self-improvement meetings, and some people were fired for saying the word ‘crap’ too much. I worked there a few years ago. Nobody was fired and I don’t remember not being allowed to say crap.

I also  don’t quite remember one particular aspect of the program: Intention versus Impact, though it may have been part of the work and influenced me.

As I’ve come to embrace it, sometimes you intend something and your impact is something different, and, in any case, you should accept your impact and, if it is something you didn’t intend, own up, and try to make it something like how you meant it.

Problem is, some people get defensive when someone takes their intention the wrong way- anyone would. Biggest problem is that they sometimes never own up to it and say: Oh, that’s not what I meant at all! Sorry it sounded that way. For example:

I made a big ol’ bowl of Cream of Wheat some time ago. I always make a big bowl because I don’t eat much. When I do, I try to eat a sizable meal that’ll last me until I remember to eat again, but not that I’ll be super hungry when I do, for I may not be in the position to eat. After it’s all been lifted poured into a bowl, my brother makes the comment: “That’s a big bowl of Cream of Wheat”

Hrm

Actually, I may have watered down what he said, but I don’t want to misquote him negatively just in case I have him wrong, so the neutral position it is. As you might have guessed, I figured he was making fun of me and I asked him to clarify what he meant.

He said he didn’t mean anything about it.

Now this was after a conversation I had with my dad, and also after one with my older brother, where I’m sure both meant well, but it didn’t feel that way to me. And afterwards I had another conversation with my dad and brother (same one as Cream of Wheat) where I’m sure they thought they meant well, but it definitely wasn’t. Objectively, wasn’t.

With the conversation with Dad and Older Brother (hey, I’ve already a post on both of these conversations, actually!) in the back of my mind, I told my brother about Intention! versus impact… Basically saying that he might say one thing, but it means or sounds like something else.

MeaningLittle Bro #1 is one of those guys who gets offended but tries to play it off, but is really bad at it. Kind of like when my sister lies. (Which is pretty funny because she’s a terrible, terrible liar but lies all the time). As we went back and forth, I told him: “When you say stuff like that, it sounds… off. Kind of like if I were to say, “Wow, your stomach is so big!”

“But that’s rude. You obviously mean something else.”

“EXACTLY. I’m asking, what do you mean when you say I have too much Cream of Wheat?” (I’m getting a feel for the original quote… But I’ll leave what I had before).

“That doesn’t mean anything though. It’s just a observation!”

Ooooh, okay, yea, sure. And then Dad joined in the conversation and it really went to shit, so I eventually just said, “We’re just going to have to agree to disagree about this” as I thought in my mind that words have meanings and subtleties behind them that not everyone will pick up.

For some reason, Dad got incensed over that, saying somethings before this: “See, that’s what’s wrong with society today”

“OOOOH, okay.” I actually scoffed at him, and a sudden pang went to my heart as I saw little brother’s look of shock and his little backing away. Why should he fear?

“But I’m not going to say nothing about it, because if I do then everyone will-”

I had turned around from washing the pot I had used to cook my food to look at him, lifting an eyebrow at his sudden slide into hypocrisy, as he was wont to do. This time it didn’t happen; he flapped his hands dismissively at me and walked away. Right.

Sure, I may have overreacted (Dad called me over-analytical), but I’m just so surprised at how easily something that can be taken offensively was indeed taken offensively, but they couldn’t understand why I thought something deeper was going on with how big my bowl was. Especially how they kept saying it, in several different ways, and stopping before, indeed, they said what they really meant- at least, that’s how I heard it.

Moving on from there, we’re trying to move. We’ve found this lovely house not far from where my dad works. With how it’s set up, my parents, my sis and my niece, and two others can have their own room. While the last two will bunk up in one. Of course, I want my own room. I do this thing called skipping, I watch porn and other unmentionables, I stay in one room the most out of the family (except maybe Mama) and I stay up later- on the computer or a video game- than everyone else. It just sort of makes sense to get my own room to avoid many conflicts.

So, some days ago, I got into the reasoning with Little Bro#1 (CoW) and he brought up how I should stop skipping. That I should ‘sit down’ and ‘not do it’.

I told him to not act like he cared about my tic because, at that moment, it sounded as if (and I contend it was) he was only pretending to care so he could get his own room. He said he always cared and always was worried about it.

hmmphsho

Unfortunately, I’m unable to really see what he said as some well-intention advice.

And he was so upset that I wasn’t convinced he was looking out for my best interests! To be honest, I found it pretty damn amusing that he would think, for a second, that I would believe he was always so worried about my skipping and just happened to try to convince me of it when on the line he could get his own room. Yea, the impact was pretty damn opportunistic.

The Very. Next. Day. Dad went into a lecture about the new house. As usual, when he talks for more than three minutes, the old irritation grew within me and I knew that he would ruin it somehow. He told us older peeps that we’ll need to get jobs and help with the rent (Like we didn’t fucking know that. You didn’t get that expensive-ass house so you could pay for it by yourself. You didn’t tell me how expensive that expensive-ass house was so you could pay for it by yourself. Anyway!) He asked if we understood, and then he explained himself, mostly repeating what he said before.

In my mind, I thought WHY DID YOU ASK IF WE UNDERSTOOD IF YOU WERE GOING TO KEEP TAAAAALKING?! *bangs head against table* This was going to be endless.

Then ol’ Pops got into my skipping- and I thought, yep, here comes the downturn. I could almost hear Lil Bro #1’s eyebrows move.

He told me to skip in the garage, then said that he would rather I not skip, saying he was ‘looking out for me’, that I should ‘find a new hobby’-‘read a book’. “She’s going to be 40 and skipping!” He looks at me and asks, “Is that how it’s gonna be? You’re going to be 40 and skipping back and forth. That’s what you want?”

gr

 

Yea, Dad. THAT’S what I fuckin’ want! To be able to wake up from a deep sleep with an urge to skip, to not be able to sit down to homework, or a WordPress post because, eventually, I’ll want to skip, to not want to hang out with friends or family because I have the urge to skip, to watch a movie or listen to a new song and unable to FUCKING THINK until I skip. Yea, that’s what I want!

Asshole.

Oh, favorite part: We were actually about to go to Walmart and buy stuff for the 4th. I didn’t answer dad his stupid question, and I didn’t go to Walmart and he said: “I just wish I can talk to them without them clamming shut!”  (to my mother, as they walked to the car).

Oh, POOR YOU!

I would say I’m overreacting, but since then I’ve skipped multiple times. Any questions? Nah. Of course not.

Something funny: My youngest brother, who has a few issues that really makes the atmosphere of our home toxic, and some of my other siblings, plus my mom, had a long talk. Turns out, yes, I’m getting my own room (I didn’t really have any doubts), and so is my younger sister, with whom I have written posts and watched a great deal of anime. Therefore, Lil Bro #1 and #2 have to room together.

By the time I woke up joined the conversation, Youngest Bro was in tears that he wasn’t getting his own room. Things got a little heated and Mother gave a lecture, which YB largely ignored, but something caught on from Mama’s words: That we all deserve to be happy (that’s so sweet, cute and true!) and we all deserve our own room.

I refrained from telling her that yes, sure, we all deserve our own room. However, do some people deserve their own room more than others? Of course. That’s why we didn’t draw straws with rooms. What is hilarious to me is that YB for some time thought he deserved his own room more than me! 

Blaine_No

 

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Irreplaceable. You only have one Mom- Oh… Wait…

That’s bullshit. I think I’ve gotten on that phrase before. It’s such a stupid thing to say. A guilt-diverting, dismissive little assholish thing to say.

Now, I love my mom more than most people. Pretty sure she’s in the top five of people I wouldn’t mind, ever, living forever. Someone who I fervently hope would die after me, somehow, someway. Someone who I hope for that, if any god was real, that would let my mother into heaven or whatever she wants that the god is able to do. Someone who I will give my ability to walk or hear just so she will stop having those debilitating migraines that make her completely unable to function- migraines which the government says she can still work around, denying her medical benefits and the like as she suffers from the pain- which sometimes triggers unconsciousness AND amnesia- and the limitless boredom she must endure because she can’t do a damn thing, nor does she have the money for anything grand.

She is one of the leading factors for my atheism. Her cherry-picked notions of the Bible and god steadily drove me away from all faith. Her belief in ghosts (and blaming any oddities I see on my mental health) and ‘too many coincidences’ had me finally realizing that most of it was probably made up. Add in that she still says stuff like “Well, everyone has off days” when a topic on depression happens, while later crying to Momo about how almost sinfully bored and unhappy she’s been with her life- while high on weed- and I’ve come to the conclusion that she can make silly judgments on very real feelings.

Her cooking is wonderful. (Duuuurrrrr) But our oven is broken, so a lot of my favorite foods have been sidelined for months. Oh, cornbread, where art thou? I think her cooking is so wonderful, that she can cook it and fill herself on the fumes. Seriously, she does very little exercise- like, none at all. And I doubt her metabolism is top rate, since she’s had problems with her weight most of her life. But she still looks great- and I hope I look like her when I’m forty… forty-three? Forty-six?

Awful daughter. That’s me.

Growing up, and Pa would lose control so many times, I remember her going into her room to ignore everyone and everything. As much as she said that Pa wasn’t upset when he was screaming at us, or patting us on the head saying that he loves us when he says things like ‘stupid look on your face’, or saying that she’s the queen and Pa’s the king of the household and we’re all serfs- she was quick to make like Casper when things got rough. And when we fought back, when my brother grabbed a knife, or my sister bit down into the arm that Pa had wrapped around her neck, that’s when she’ll hurry. To save Pa, like he was in danger.

She was the one to yell at Dad when he called me crazy. Rolling her eyes at him when he got all stupidly defensive as if he was the one ridiculed. She was the one to sharply call out his name whenever he referred to the mental hospitals as looney bins or nuthouses. She was the one to convince me that my bipolar disorder was definitely an illness a long time in development. She was the one to offer meditation since I was an atheist and prayer wasn’t an option.

She is the one to suddenly grab me and rock me like a baby. To give me the last sip of her sodas, to buy me a Dr. Pepper or Twix as I’ve always asked for so, so, so many years. To make beef stew when I come home, and when I went away. To fry chicken breast when I was feeling down. To talk to me about things bothering her.

The one to say she wasn’t hungry after buying everybody meals at McDonald’s or Sonic or even a diners like Waffle House or Denny’s. To say she’s fine, when she’s not, so, so, so, so many times.

She is the one where much of my liberal leanings come from. Her years on welfare, her nonchalant attitude to those who are on welfare, her cocky openmindedness towards those of different faiths, no matter how crazy. Her generosity towards anyone in need. Her strident disapproval on all those preaching the love of Jesus Christ and showing none of that in the actions.

When she checks on me every once in a while. When she takes a small bath so that I can get more hot water.

When she gives [THAT SISTER] one more chance… and another… and another… And her no-good ex as well, and his mother.

When she says that she can’t in good conscience tell anyone that she’s let to to repay her.

When she is fighting for the custody of my niece.

When she fights off yet another migraine, and says she’s okay, and that she loves me, and smiles when I say I love her back, soooooooooo much.

Is Your Dad an Asshole? Watch Out, Lest You Become One, Too!

Bitching about my dad, film at eleven!

Seriously though, my dad can be such an asshole. I’m not sure why I don’t just cross over like my brother and put him across as “He is an asshole”, probably because he’s done right by me so many times. I’m sure if Dad broke my jaw and still seven years later I have keloids running up and down my jaw, neck, and chin from multiple surgeries, and Dad still hasn’t apologized for it, I would be hard-pressed to bring up ‘all the good times we had’.

Also, I’m extremely open to discussion, any time, all the time. Pretty much why I have a blog and comment on other blogs. I do want to say that anyone who says “You only get one dad, cherish him” or anything along those lines can go fuck themselves, okay? It’s never, ever a good thing to say. This hit home with me when someone who was being terribly abused- like stereotypical, but no less real, abused- by her blood father. She said something along the lines I have said and this: “Even if you have wonderful parents, when they act evil, they have stopped being wonderful. There is no forgiveness for that.”

That’s pretty much my entire view of all the ‘blood is thicker than water’ crap that means nothing if you’re miserable.

So, what happened? First!

You're such a pussy!
You’re such a pussy!

Just to let you know, my biggest problem with my dad was his mental and emotional abuse. The rest of my siblings, except my second younger sister, had more contact with his physical abuse. The worse things? Older brother: broken jaw, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly. First younger sister: kicked to the ground and stomped on in the third grade tied with being locked in a chokehold until almost passing out in the ninth grade. Second younger sister: got a little slap every once in a while. Younger brothers often got punched, especially if my Dad thought they were acting like pussies.

It’s not like Dad didn’t punch me in the stomach when I got car sicknesses and threw up in the car. I remember being in a carseat. Or that he didn’t hit me with the metal side of the belt because I chose my favorite shirt of my Kindergarten year for the second time that week (granted, before this, he thought I was taking too long finding socks). And there are more, but you get the picture.

And he still wonders where my younger sister and youngest brother’s violent tempers come from.

So, my main beef with him now is the non-physical abuse. I remember practicing my expression in the mirror so that when Dad yelled down at me he wouldn’t say, “And now you got that STUPID look on your face!” I’ve perfected my nonplussed look, and it drives him nuts! More than that, though….

He’s also a pretty dumb debater/discussion-ist/whatever. He can’t seem to follow reason (or a mote of tact) when expressing himself or hearing others express themselves. He also always, when expressing himself, follows at least four of these tropes:

  • It is your fault
  • It is NEVER his fault in any way (I didn’t really realize this until last year. He has this so bad, it’s comical)
  • An apology that he obviously doesn’t mean (Oh, I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings). I’ve actually pointed this out to him several times, and my mom has had the gall to say he was sincere most of the time. Oh, mom(s).
  • THE GODDAMN PITY-PARTY (Everyone’s against me all the time! Oh, woe is me!)
  • Threats of some nature
  • Threats of a physical nature
  • Bringing up a topic, you follow it, and he points out that it’s unrelated and you shouldn’t be bringing it up
  • Insults

This time around, I don’t remember him threatening to do something physical. But he gets 7/8. B+!

Brother to me, anytime we talk about Dad
Brother to me, anytime we talk about Dad

So I have most of the argument between my brother and I on google chat. I don’t feel like doing the whole copy screen, crop, paste, etc. thing but I’ll post the juicy bits verbatim copy, yea!

Me: “So Daddy told me to contribute more to the household- buying groceries and paying bills and the like”

Bro: no he did NOT

Me: 

“And not just buying fifty dollars worth of pizza that gets eaten in two hours, or giving them 40 dollars worth of gas and whatever money and whatnot. Well, he just said pizza.
In any case, I said yes, sir and all that
But I could tell in his eyes I wasn’t enthusiastic enough about it, and so he decided to give me a lecture about how I should want to contribute to my parents- you know, the spiel”
My brother is flabbergasted because I tell him of times when I contribute very large amounts of money to our parents. Papa’s really good at picking out stuff we are bad at- but we are actually very good at. Like, I would care not if he actually me a bad child- but it would be phenomenal if they were based on truths.
The spiel in question: How we should always want to help out Ma, Pa, and our family. Because Papa always wants to help. Without question. Without complaint. Never.
(…not juicy bits…)
Me: He goes on to say that he could kick me out of the house at any time.
Bro: WOW
Me: (Pa says) “And then where are you going to go? No where. I could just say get out.”

Bro: He’s soooooo manipulative and abusive, [my name]

FUCK
And here I realize in talking with my dad that he’s treating me like my sister, the one who left my niece. The one who has been gone for two days because her ‘friend’s car broke down’ and she can’t find ANY WAY TO COME BACK.
Dad bullshit detected
Obviously, I did not like that so I’m a bit angry at Pops at the moment. He does not get any better.

Me: 

I told him that I’m getting in touch with deans to go back to Baltimore. We’ll figure something out
didn’t tell him how I told them what an asshole he is *shrug*
(Pa)”Why do you want to go back to Baltimore?”
“What?” I couldn’t believe it! “I want to go back to school. We’ve had this conversation before. It’s a non-starter. Let’s change the subject.”
“And-” this is still me “-How you going to threaten me about kicking me out the house and then ask me why I want to go back to Baltimore?”
Seriously though. He does not like when we point out when he spouts some contradicting bullshit like my sis dislikes having her lying bullshit put on blast.
So, now he’s angry.

Me: 

Okay, so he says,
“Look. What happens if you get sick again and have to come back here? You’ll be back to square one, just like [THAT SIS], stuck here with no where to go.”
“DO NOT COMPARE ME TO [THAT SIS]
“DO NOT EVER COMPARE ME TO [THAT SIS] EVER AGAIN”
And he better not. He thinks he hates my simmering fury as I bubble up now and again, he’s going to despise whatever comes if he compares me to [THAT SIS] one more fucking time (something my parents did constantly while sis took her two month break). I’ve worked too hard, too long to be compared to a shiftless, selfish sociopath like my sister, and I’ve done nothing to diminish that progress. Nothing.

Me: 

So, he gets up- all outraged and here I’m thinking when he yells- oh, it’s just my personality. When we yell, BAD CHILDREN
And now he’s towering over me and I’m thinking does it feel good to look down? You touch me, I’ll kick you in your damn stitches.
“I can say you can get out. I can kick you out right now” He points to the door.
Calmly, I answer, “I know you can”
Reminds me of Ayn Rand
Papa’s Philosophy

Honestly, what was he trying to accomplish by saying this? What could he possibly gain? This intimidation, these threats? This conversation started with him demanding my hard-earned money. How did he think this’ll end if he tells me that he has the oh-so-godly power of kicking me out the house? Oh, what would he tell [AWESOME SIS]? How did he think Mom would react? What about Bro?

Me: 

Well, he doesn’t like me being calm and saying scathing things to his ego, of course
So he goes on: “See, this is why we don’t ever see eye-to-eye.Whenever I try to talk to you, you get all sensitive and you’re just looking for ways to attack everything I say.”
Bro: huh?

Me: 

I roll my eyes at this usual spout of self-pitying, and he just gets angrier and angrier
(to Bro) what?
how he’s talking to a mirror?
Bro: The “this is why we don’t see to eye to eye” right hahaha

Me: 

lolol- I know right! He keeps going! How I don’t ever listen to him and never want to take his advice
“I said yes! I will pay the bills and stuff. What more do you want?”
“Why are you yelling at me about [THAT SIS]?”
“I just really hate when you compare me to her. Really really hate it.”
Still me: “She is not like me. She’s still off doing whatever with Charlie here. I’m here.”
“This isn’t about [THAT SIS]. It’s about you!”
“YOU BROUGHT IN [THAT SIS]!”
“It was just an example!”
“Well, I’m using your example!” Does this man not know how to have a goddamn conversation?!
He can’t be that doggone stupid!

But sometimes he totally, totally is. Or he just can’t see the fallacy of his constant effort to turn things against the other person, to make him always seem like the reasonable one. He can’t take criticism at all. Not a fuckin’ speck.

Me: so, we’s goin’ back and forth and he asks, “So when do you think you’re going back to Baltimore, hm?”
“As soon as possible.”
“When’s that?”
So I do a super roll of my eyes, “As soon as possible.”
“Is that next week, next month?”
Actually, my dean and I specified, hopefully, sometime in the middle of June, but I don’t know, and I didn’t want to give him false words.
“AS SOON AS POSSIBLE IS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!”
What else could that possibly fucking mean? How else could I put that?
He says, “As soon as possible is like tomorrow or next week”
“Well, tomorrow or next week, if that is as soon as possible.”
“But we know that’s not going to happen!”
I’m ready to fucking kick him.
“Then whenever! As soon as possible! It doesn’t mean immediately- it means as soon as possible. Just like ‘maybe’ means yes or no.”
Here, Bro had to do some stuff, so the rest is mostly memory and may be misremembered, ya’ know.
“I NEED EXACT DATES.”
“You. Do. Not. Need. Exact. Dates.” 
I was being pissy. But Dad was being a total pissant. Why was he acting like he didn’t know what ASAP meant?
“I need to know! We movin’ so I need to know if you’re coming with us! What time are you going to be here-“
“I. Don’t. Know.”
“You should have said that first then!”
“That’s basically what ASAP means in this context!”
dad against wall
So he starts swirling around in anger, trying not to hit something, I guess, and comes back to me.
“Oh, ok, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about bringing this up. I’m sorry we can’t just have a decent conversation because you have to get all mad all the time.”
So, I’ve crossed my arms and leaned back. I now roll my eyes again, cock my head to the side and obviously wait until he’s finally done.
I can’t say nothing to you, now! You’ll just try to bite everything I say and not listen to me!”
“I don’t do that. And I listen to you. A lot.”
I even gave him a couple of examples- like the beginning of this damn conversation. He could have left it at demanding my money and things would have been so much better for him, but he decided to guilt trip me, and insult me, and it’s all my faultshouldn’t have gotten mad. shouldn’t have been so mean. needed to back down.
Well, the only thing I’ve said to him since then was “Hi, Pops” as he came home from work. He’s a teacher at a university-and now he’s some student expert. Ah, freak-on-a-fucking-leash…
Make no mistake, if your father or mother or bald-headed brother does so many things for you, they can still become hostile and you do not deserve that shit from anyone. And if you have fallen in mode with such antics:
Dad is sometimes a douchebag

“642 Things to Write About” and I don’t hold grudges, but you’ll pay

Ugh, I don’t want to think about today’s prompt. It brings a bad taste to my mouth.

Prompt #28: The meanest thing anyone has ever said to you

My response:

My family of eight was sitting at the table for dinner one night. With my parents at either ends of the table, someone saying grace with wholeheartedness, and Dad being meanly nitpicky about elbows and eating with our mouths full, my brothers and sisters able to discern the situation could feel a lecture coming on. We were kicking each other under the table to make sure that we didn’t override Pop’s sense of entitled complacency.

Eventually, someone did or said something wrong, or Pop thought of something to yell at us six kids for. I’m not sure how his attention got to me, specifically, except that it traveled from my older brother (the one from the elevator). Anyway, older brother came to my rescue, as usual, and my father yelled, “You might think you’re his favorite, but you’re nothing but HIS SLAVE! YOU’RE A SLAVE!”

And then….And then…

(AH FUCK THIS SHIT!)

Sister’s response:

I would say that the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me is when this racist guy called me a gorilla  It may seem funny (NO, IT DOESN’T!) or not all that bad, but that really hurt. The best part about that is that no on liked him so everyone as on my side cheering me up. I sill got in trouble for kicking the desk at him, though.

(This is Sis!) well….. another mean thing that happened to me is when my mom, dad, and I was talking about relationships and I said I liked white guys ( I wouldn’t mind any other guys,  I just prefer white guys..)  and for some reason that ticked my dad off and he went talking about how ” white guys will leave you” or ” they will lynch you because of your skin” and some other nonsense. Which is weird because my parents don’t even like black people ( because of my other sister’s friends). Probably what you heard from my coworker (lol) stories about our dad, he thinks he is right and we should go by what he says. I still love him though, but that was just stupid…

“642 Things to Write About” with Pride in all the Wrong Places

Happy about my K Project review. ^-^ And now back to some good business! Four prompts to catch up- real good one by my sister in Prompt 14, where she describes herself. She really glows!

Prompt #12: You have just swallowed our pride and done something you didn’t want to do. Your friend wants to know why. The two of you are driving around an almost-full parking garage for a space for the friend’s oversize pickup. Write the scene.

My response:

“Ol’ big ass, stupid-ass thing,” I murmured under my breath, eyes rolling a bit as the nausea swept over me in merciless waves. The crowded slant of floor C of Sweet Winds Parking Garage kept the coolness off just enough to abet the motion sickness.

Alina chuckled. It was small, and the thinness of her lips betrayed an increasing irritation over not being able to find a spot for what she even thought was her father’s oversized pickup truck, and being helpless in the face of my pain.

“Didn’t you say talking makes it feels better?”

“Talking distracts.”

“Same difference.”

“I’ll puke on you midsentence,” I groaned, swallowing heavily.

“How’s your house?”

“Wretched as ever. You know, it would be great if everyone did their part equally- working together like Pa is always talking about, but it’s never about working together. It’s people like me and sis taking up the slack and lack of communication of others.”

I was rambling in my discomfort, I knew, and Alina shot me a bemused plucked-eyebrow lift.

“‘Member how I told you I wasn’t gonna clean the kitchen, because it was my mom and brother who just don’t clean their dishes?”

“You guys are washing your own dishes right? Mom does all of ours.”

“Yea, I know,” and I laugh, though Alina might be upset on why I was laughing. I presume she thought my giggle was for my wish that my mom would do all the dishes as well. “But the dishes were piling up and I know she’s not going to do ’em, and Dad was waiting for us, and mom was just pushing things to the side as usual-”

‘Why won’t your sister do them?”

I shrugged. “It’s just one of her quirks. She’s a cool girl mostly but there are some things she just doesn’t do.”

“But you’re not mad at her?”

“She’s not making the mess,” I answered quickly, annoyed, not just a tiny bit ashamed of my favoritism towards sis. “And I’m tired of doing them. It’s like before I went to college all over again- people using me for my kindness because they know they can fucking count on me to do the work they’re supposed to be doing, or solving problems they don’t feel like solving and then yelling at all of us when they can’t take it anymore.”

Alina laughed, a somewhat real laugh with hidden meanings like mine. “Doesn’t your dad start yelling at one person and then if the rest of you are around-”

“He starts yelling at all of us, yea. Like, ‘You’re in trouble! You’re ALL in trouble!’ That was something we were always saying after he did shit like that, or when we were cheering each other up about Pa. So fucking annoying…All of them…” I kept swallowing, as my body prepared the lining of my guts for the eruption being fixed in my stomach’s pit. Alina was driving quickly up floor H, I, J- and we saw plenty of empty ones up here. 

“Okay… Sorry, we’re so high.”

I could care less about my fear of heights if it meant I wouldn’t be nauseous anymore. I waved dismissively and she sped a bit towards quite a few empty spaces.

“So you did them?”

“Of course, I did. It was getting ridik.”

“Well, now everyone’s happy, right?”

“No one was upset before, and no one said thank you, so hell if I know.”

A bit of a hurt look from Alina had me saying in a rush, “But it’s all great. And it’s super cool you got me out of the house and brought me to Nashville. I mean, the awesomeness meter is exploding, seriously.”

She knows, and she smiles, and then that wanes. “I wouldn’t do it.”

“You were the one who always cleaned the dorm,” I replied, albeit guiltily.

Alina said loudly as she opened her door,”But you were always apologizing, and thanking me….and buying me stuff from CharMar.”

“Ah, Dining Dollars… How I miss you!” I wailed, but I still sat. I needed to regain my land legs.

“You know what’s funny, I just know you’re going to do it again, if the time comes.”

“Yea, probably.” I sigh, opening the door and thinking of nice food from a cool restaurant paid by my rich consoling friend. “I have to… That’s just me, I guess.”

Sister’s response: 

“It has been a while since I’ve been in a pickup truck.”

“Really? It’s fun to drive around in it. But I don’t like going to this parking garage.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it feels like I will crash into the ceiling or something.”

“Hahahaha, okay?”

“Haha, I know, weird. Sometimes I cheat and go to the top.”

“Cheat?”

“Yeah. Don’t know if that’s really cheating, but whatev.”

“Cheating reminds me of my Chemistry class.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m like, one out of three percent of people who does their homework. And, of course, the other ninety-seven percent goof-off. So, when our teacher give us homework, the next day people are like, ‘You didn’t give us homework!’ and stupid crap like that. So, after working hard on my homework, and they know I’ve done my homework, they ask for it.”

“I’m sure you saw it coming.”

“Yeah, sometimes I lie and say I didn’t do it.”

“Did they figure it out?”

“Yes…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine. There’s a space there.”

Prompt #13: Pick a small object to be given one day to your great-grandchild. Write a letter to that child explaining why you have chosen this object. 

My response: 

Dear Great-grandchild,

You’re going to college. You should be; you shouldn’t be getting this unless you are. This is the time of your life that either grants you all the freedom you’ve needed, or all the freedom you’ve had. I doubt the latter is the case, since I’m pessimistic about our family history, and it’s future. I sincerely hope that what I cannot see would be something I would want to see.

With this letter is my Alpha Phi Omega pin. I don’t know if your college has this co-ed fraternity, but that’s not the point. In APO, we stood or friendship, leadership, and service, and though I believe humans need their share of material things, those three things should never be separated from your spirit.

I hope my stubbornness and sense of righteousness passed on, and not just stupid stubbornness and self-righteousness. Justice thrives on friendship and service- and fair leaders. You’re going to see a lot of unfair things, and hopefully college will hand you thousands of pamphlets on its variety. I want more than anything for you to try and help all that you can.

APO was all about helping as much as you can, and doing your share, and doing it with others so that such feelings could spread. Unless you turned out selfish and unmindful and uncaring of others, then perhaps you could give this pin to someone who can appreciate it. Still, read on.

You will not live in this world. You might survive, but you will be empty, and you will feel it after you lose a bit of money, you will feel it when people betray you because they are as selfish, unmindful, and uncaring as you. When times get hard, you will be left in the dust by people such as them. If you’re lucky, you can exploit the kindness of others- but people get tired of that shit, no matter how kind they are so choose your community wisely.

Now, if you are what I hope you are, oh, sweet darlin’, make times for others as you make time for yourself. At least, poke this pin somewhere conspicuous so that you will know you are never alone and there’s is so much to be done. Some one can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone!

All my love and all the best,

Your Great-grandparent

Sister’s response:

Dear Great-grandchild,

If you are reading this, then you must be old enough to read fluently. In this envelope contains my diary. I am giving this to you because I would like for you to carry on my legacy or inspire you to do something (good, of course!). I would give it to my grand-child but… I’ve grown impatient because they never respond to my ‘Hi’s’. Like, a few years ago, and since you contact me regularly, I wouldn’t mind you having it. I know I have some stupid stuff and horrible grammar but at least you’ll probably get what I’m saying.

Love you!

Bye!

Prompt #14: Describe yourself in the third person- your physical appearance and personality- as though you were a character in a book.

My response: 

She was of average height- completely average, that one doesn’t say short or tall, but just the numbers. There was meat in her legs, muscular-looking at least, and at her belly, with perky breasts that were slightly big for her size, but could be bigger. Her hands, tiny, feet, once more average. Nose had a hump and all her pores were showing, and black spots on her neck, chest, chin and face indicative of thick acne graveyards, though it seemed she no longer had pimple problems.

She was a bit light-skinned, but not enough to be randomly called such. Round head on a short neck, eyes dark, the kind you have to look at special to realize they are still brown. The eyebrows above were thick but shapely; the mouth below can spread over half her face and make her eyes squint to nothingness, and cheeks to the side of her face.

Something about her was just a bit unstable, her excitement can make her jump and yell much too loudly, a there wasn’t much needed to make her ecstatic. Unfortunately, some things make her instantly depressed. Even without stress, when the ecstasy wears off, she could be left with a depressive hangover of the most unhelpful degree. Still, her major disposition is cheerful and helpful, and can become stubborn and caustic over passionate subjects, and hilarious when high or drunk or ready to party.

Sister’s response: 

Who is that! by Peno-Pee

Who is that? Well, she is like a chocolate bubble. Her dark skin is as smooth as the creamy richness of frosting, with a few bumps and scrapes. Her body is as round as the bubble. Of course, she still takes the shape of a human body, so just in the torso area. Her hair… Well, there are days when it’s like mini-jungle at night, but, on other days, it’s just brushed down on one side.

She is a cutie when she wants to be. Going past the looks, let’s go deep within. Hm…. Confusing. She’s happy over here, but upset over there. She loves people here, but hates them there. She’s just confused.

Well, when she is happy, she is funny or punny, witty and a bit naive. When she is upset, she is antisocial and irritated. Be nice to her and she’ll be nice to you. Be funny, she likes that.

(Fantastic from sister! Very poetic and original! Big smiles~)

Prompt #15: Describe something you wanted badly and, once you got it, never used

My response:

I have a great fear of losing the cherished writing and materials on my computer, and quite a few times I would purchase back-up CDs or flash drives. I don’t know where they are now, but it might be good to buy some more… My, what an endless cycle!

Still, I’m sure that if I ever get an extra external hard drive, I would use it. Maybe… Hopefully…

Sister’s response: 

One time I wanted a Tamagochi because it looked cool. It was pink and white, with cute little musical noes. Once I actually got it, I put it away because I had to do something. I completely forgot about until a week later. Once I remembered, I took it out of the package and then I took a nap, and I promised myself I will play it. But I never did. I lost it, and I bought a new one.

Twelve Things We Need to Stop Saying (that we say all the time)…

and What We Should Say Instead”

(Pretty long post, maybe you should bookmark this? *conceited*)

Though no one may even see this, I believe that this is pretty important to get off my chest before I let go of it just because I don’t think anyone will ever see this. (Sword Art Online review, Links page, K Project review… Eh, wait just a little longer)

We tend to say a lot of shitty things, and these words don’t always come from times when we are acting like shitty people, or, in the case of some, acting like our shitty selves. For you latter folks, I presume my words of wisdom will go in one ear and and out your ass.

These are phrases that I endeavor not to speak, for various reasons on which I will elucidate, especially to 1) children and 2) people I don’t know. These are phrases that I hear all over the internet, home, school, eating at nice restaurants, chilling with friends, or dancing at clubs. Yes, they are that common.

Some of you assholes will imagine me too sensitive or ultra PC (dingdingding), and I will imagine that I probably won’t be able to have a decent conversation with you anyway. But most of you guys are decent, and will think. You may not agree but I’m sure once you read my reasoning, you’ll understand and think before you speak next time. Here’s a list I think you should think about

  1. Such-and-such is overrated
  2. We take such-and-such for granted
  3. You’re too young to understand.
  4. Too sensitive/PC
  5. Today’s -fill in the blank- sucks
  6. Kids can’t be kids
  7. What is the world coming to?
  8. That’s life/Life’s not fair
  9. Ignore them, they’ll stop/If you don’t act like you mind, they’ll stop
  10. He just likes you/They’re just jealous of you
  11. Just saying
  12. It’s my opinion

1) Such-and-such is overrated.

I’m proud to say that I’ve probably said this four or five times my entire life. I’m also happy to say that this phrase is losing its juice because of its overuse by the hated hipster, and some people will do anything not to be seen as a hipster.

Still, before the word hipster really became a thing, while I was grade school, I still thought saying something was overrated was pretty dumb. I first realized what it meant when someone used it wrong. A teacher in middle school said Harry Potter was overrated.

“I can’t understand why it’s so popular, just a bunch of kids doing witchcraft. Good versus evil is in any book.”

At that age, I was sensitive to church talk, especially church talk about Harry Potter, since I was ostracized at my church for reading Harry Potter. I was also a very lonely kid (but by no means a loner) who spent most of her time reading. When I came across overrated, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. How would you rate something overly?

When that teacher said it in this instance, I realized a few things: Overrated is mostly used with popular things, generally things that people take time to rate; over was like in overdone; and she was using it wrong (though I’ve hardly heard/read it used correctly).

What made me know it was wrong was her second and third phrases, which tends to ruin any statement on anything overrated. First, she gives a specific reason on why Harry Potter is overrated that was complete bias. Though a bias could be a good reason that something is overrated, I’ve never seen when (and I’m open to suggestions). Bias on a overrated statement makes it bitchy, the whining of someone who cannot share the happiness because they don’t enjoy the content. For example, I will never say the movie or book The Notebook is overrated, no matter how someone had raved over it while I skipped the commercials. I don’t like a lot of drama, and I thought the movie was boring, but I could understand why someone would enjoy it. 

And, usually, we all could understand why someone would enjoy anything.

Second, she minimalizes the elements of Harry Potter, which a lot of people do to things they say are overrated. To minimalize is to simplify something to make your statement sound smart/cool/witty because you can’t think of a good bias or a good reason to say something you don’t like is overrated.

Another example would be Twilight in all its forms. If you seen the cool side of the debate between those who are debating, you’ve probably seen “Vampires who glitter? Ugh!” Of course, if you’ve read or seen Twilight, the focusing on glittering is nigh nonexistent.

Oddly enough, real reasons on not to like Twilight come from people who’ve actually read it and were okay with it (Bella is grey goo, Edward’s vampire=monster worry is a very tired cliche, it reads like bad fanfiction sometimes). Still, if someone says these things and calls Twilight overrated, I tend to watch out for bleats.

Also, crazy thought for everyone, Twilight isn’t highly rated as anything but to-know pop culture. Other than preteens who can text faster than they can spell, have you really heard anyone talking about Twilight in a manner that will distill awe like, say, Harry Potter? What I’m saying is, most people know Twilight is mostly drama fodder, sap, and they are okay with it.

What to say instead: Just state your case on why you thought such-and-such is crap, because few things are overrated, or, if it is indeed overrated, please put forward reasoning not steeped completely in a narrow-minded bias.

2) We take such-and-such for granted

You might be thinking, we do take things for granted! Yea, some things we sometimes do take for granted. However, we’ve gone a little crazy about this phrase. Here are some things that make it stupid to say: 1) We’re not really taking it for granted, 2) If we take such-and-such for granted, we take everything granted and the phrase loses potency and becomes useless 3) When it’s used as drama fodder 4) We use it in any situations except for when it really applies (in acts of actually taking things for granted)

For number one, we do this a lot for body parts, and it is usually used in conjunction with number three. Soften us up for people who lose their legs or born without eyes, especially on the news, which perpetuates this craziness.

Let’s put something on display for number one. I was watching some reality show, and the contestants had to fashion wigs for cancer patients who were bald because of chemotherapy. In the one-on-ones, a couple of contestants talked about how people usually take their hair for granted.

Now, I take my hair for granted. I don’t take care of it, but I’m not too worried about it going away. But a majority of people? Do we as a human species, as women, as Americans, as young people, as shut-ins etc. take our hair for granted? Most likely, you shampoo your hair regularly and brush and comb everyday. You worry when it starts falling out or you get a grey hair. You’re probably afraid of permanent damage to your hair and do plenty for its upkeep. Most people don’t take their hair for granted, or any body part. Do you know how many people are afraid of doing cartwheels- yes, cartwheels- for fear of breaking a bone? If you’re one of those people, I doubt you take any part of your body or granted.

Display for number 2- I was watching this bit on Beijing’s terrible pollution (and if you don’t know about it, don’t look it up, it’s pretty depressing) and the newscaster and people she talked to and the Chinese people were talking about how we humans take fresh air for granted. By definition that I delineated before, sure, we take air for granted. But if we take air for granted, we take everything for granted- red blood cells (think about sickle cell carriers!), white blood cells (AIDS!), non-itchy vaginas (women with overactive fighters in her tract), short penises (people are afraid of humongous dicks!)- and so on and so forth. Stop using ‘for granted’ for stupid shit like that.

Try any example above on drama fodder. People say ‘for granted’ to induce feeling that neither the speakers nor the feelers really care about.

Display for number 4- In most of the examples above, I don’t believe using the phrase ‘taking for granted’ is used correctly.The people with the problems wouldn’t care if people weren’t thanking their gods and goodness every second for their eyes and white blood cells. However, people with damaged eyes or AIDS would care or become annoyed if someone was putting in eye-damaging contacts or slathering on eye-crushing make-up, or drugging themselves into sickness or reusing needles.

In those instances, it pretty obvious and important to point out that those people are taking their bodies for granted.

For the Beijing people suffocating at their jobs, probably seeing on TV people being able to breathe even in the densest part of their cities is enough for ire.

What to say instead: Explain why something is important without the guilt trip or pity party.

3) You’re too young to understand

I’ve said this to younger people, cousins and brothers and sisters. I’ve come to realize that this is a shitty excuse for just about anyone who can understand the words for just about any situation.

First of all, remember the times this phrased was used. How many times did the speaker (or you) just feel too wigged out to explain? Something you didn’t understand fully yourself?

This is a dismissive phrase. It’s arrogant. If you turn this around, you would be saying, “The only reason I understand this is because I’m this age.” If you truly think that is correct in that instance, good for you! Most likely, though, the real reason you understand something is because you’ve experienced it. And you say ‘you’re too young’ so that cousin Billy doesn’t experience what you have already experienced.

The biggest example is when we try to explain relationships or sex to younger people. They ask, “Why do adults kiss like that?”

I would be rich for every time the adult answers, “You’re too young to understand,” with their condescending laughs and maybe a good pat on the head.

You might be thinking, well, they wouldn’t understand!

You really think that your five-year-old wouldn’t understand “It feels good”? We could even give more descriptive examples along those same lines.

A kid shouldn’t be learning things like that!

And that above is why this phrase is terrible. We like to make kids feel weak and stupid, which is how I believe they can grow up to be independence-seeking, privacy-mongering, authority-rebelling little assholes, because we say stupid things like they are too young to understand things to dismiss them from experience things too quickly.

Another example: My parents talked to me in detail about masturbation when I asked them about it. My mom told me not to do it because of sins and all that (but my dad made it clear that everyone does it and not feel too bad about it- times when I realized my dad wasn’t always an asshole) . Thing is, my older-by-three years brother and year-younger sister asked the same question around the same year I did. Guess what Ma and Pa said?

I confronted Ma after younger sister asked. She thanked me for not spilling the beans, and I questioned her.

“Your sister wouldn’t understand, she’s… not like you.”

Ma was particular about not calling me smarter or better than the other five because that caused bad blood, but I knew what she meant in my own childlike way. I now realize that she trusted me not to masturbate whenever the mood struck me (and it wasn’t until ninth grade until I got the hang of it), I wouldn’t go too crazy about experiencing it myself. (A lot of good that did for my sister though)

What to say instead: From 3 to about 11, do some changing of subjects, or say that you don’t want to talk about it, or explain why they don’t need to know at the moment (where they should instead focus their thoughts). 12 to 1, st4op being a jackass and explain. 15 and up, what the hell are you doing?

4) You’re/The World is too sensitive, politically correct

This wouldn’t bug me so much if people wouldn’t say this in defense of, say, referring to women as bitches or homosexuals as fags or putting out racist shit, which is usually the case when people call others sensitive or too politically correct. Not much here int this section either.

Ugh....
Ugh….

I know very few people in my life who are ‘too sensitive’. I know them well, that they are too damn sensitive- it’s obvious after spending a day or two with them. But if a bunch of random people get together to protest something singular with one protest in mind, you might want to rethink your bitchpress about people being sensitive or PC.

Another thing is that when people say these things they are ultimately aware why the topic is controversial. Saying someone is sensitive or PC covers their asses so that they can feel better about their foolishness. Even better, it fools the speaker into thinking the other person is foolish.

Come on, give me an example where PC would be too PC. It’s hard isn’t it? If you’re a decent person, you know it would be hard to come up with an example while at the same time not coming off as an asshole.

What to say instead: Unfortunately, I can’t think of something nicer that one can say without sounding arrogant or idiotic. If you don’t find anything wrong with the shirt above, you’re probably less of a decent person than you think.

5) Today’s such-and-such sucks

Fortunately, again, much of this saying is falling in the way of the hipster; and it goes hand-in-hand with overrated sometimes.

Still, I see too much of it outside of the self-strokefest circles that are hipster gatherings. Two types of people should never say this phrase almost 99% of the time they want to say it: people over…hmmm… 35, and people under 21. The older people because you just come off as old-fashioned, which is probably the case. You want to go back to the days of mostly manual cars? Uh, sure, go ahead and have all your gears and all the power over your car so that you can feel superior as you go do your grocery shopping at Walmart. Tired of supernatural romances? Go back to your realistic…. fictional… romances.

Hate today’s pop music? (Come on, you were waiting for it) Think it has no substance? Go listen to Elvis Presley.

No, really.

Have you listened to Elvis? Maudlin love songs and dance jingles a lot of them. Plus, he sold his looks and sexuality, just like every other pop star today. I like Lady Gaga more than Elvis (and I love all of Elvis’ best hits, I think he was sexy during his sexy years, his voice is drool-inducing) but Gaga is clever and outrageous in a way Elvis wasn’t.

What I’m getting at is that today’s such-and-such probably hasn’t changed much, and people need to be fucking aware of their biases!

’90s kids that are so nostalgic about your childhood, shut the fuck up. Do you know how many cartoons and shows failed? Do you know how many ’80s shows are still playing on Boomerang? Why can’t you understand that it isn’t that today’s shows such, but that you overglorify or over-romanticize (would overrate be good here? I think I have a stigma against it…) your time, and ignore the glories of this generation? Did you know that Spongebob has lasted longer than Rugrats? like Spongebob more than Rugrats. Though Rugrats is cute, I probably wouldn’t watch it again, or Powerpuff girls, and a couple other shows ’90s freaks captured for themselves like lost Pokemon of old.

90s kids

Now, will I watch Adventure Time or Spongebob or Young Justice twenty years from now? Probably.

If you give me good reason to dislike such-and-such of today, instead of whining about your lost days of old, fantastic! Example, cartoons today are too adult. I’m not a fan of kids being left in the dark until they hit a wall, because they often make statistic teenagers, which so many people stereotype and hate anyway. Still,  I understand the sentiment.

What to say instead: Admit you don’t like something, just say it. Better yet, give good reasons. They are out there!

6) Kids can’t be kids

I think you’ve gotten the point of leaving your kids dumb, then complaining when they are dumb/have no common sense, become asshole teenagers.

I would feel better about this if it wasn’t 80% of the time talking about kids being homosexual or learning about evolution or some such thing. Of course, I could stop reading comments on controversial topics about education and parenting, but that’ll be just silly. 

Saying, “How would a boy know he likes boys at that age? He doesn’t know what he wants. Why can’t kids be kids?”

Now, will this person admit that he was ever bi-curious? Probably not. People who use this phrase don’t want their kids to explore, they want them shoved in a box until the adults are ready to mold them into perfect little puppets.

However, the other twenty percent goes to people talking about how we’re taking away extracurricular activities and liberal arts from the classrooms, though I feel that that has less to do with kids being kids than letting humans have an outlet on a rough life.

What to say instead: Be honest about your boxing until your puppet strings are properly wired

7) What is the world coming to?

Reasons why this phrase sucks: 1) The person saying this probably doesn’t have that bad of a world 2) People don’t know history or purposely puts it to the back of their minds 3) The phrase makes something truly horrible more about themselves.

I’ve never heard- in real life or television or even video games- where this phrase makes sense. For number one, I’ve heard so many older people say this and I’m just like, what are you talking about? When you go home, you’re going to watch the shows you have on DVR, eat a few snacks until dinner- which you might order out, have a soda with your dinner, and watch TV for the rest of the day. What part of your world is going in a direction you weren’t aware of?

For number two, my husband Steven Pinker would have more to say, and more articulately. In a nutshell, the world, and your life can be so, so, so much worse. Gays in the military and Boy Scouts will never touch the castration of male enemies. The crime (bad of course) in cities will never reach the genocidal wars of America’s early years. AIDS (though terrible surely) will never reach the disastrous child mortality rates of even the beginning of the last century. So think about your history and how you have descended from people who didn’t have running water, okay? Or how you can put frozen water in your slightly cold water while people die of thirst halfway across the world.

For three, this is just another jab at the paranoid freaks who think the world is just so much worse than something they don’t think about. They can’t really feel for the uprisings in Egypt or the school massacres, but they subconsciously know that they like to be a part of the society they’re in, and society in general cares about uprisings and school massacres- “What is the world coming to?”

About video games: I was playing Skyrim and passed a guard who talked about how vampires were attacking in the daylight and dragons were attack- “What is the world coming to?” he said.

Here I am, running through the village selling junk so that I can buy health potions so that when I fight vampires and dragons I don’t die. This guy had it much easier defending the village! Furthermore, from the beginning of the game, before I fought my first vampire or dragon, I was taking down those damn bears and whacking away mudcrabs and running from giants and bandit fortresses- Dude, your place is a shitastic place to live. Still, things are hard for guys like him. They just need to top complaining about it all the time.

What to say instead: Talk about how horrible the things are and leave it at that. Don’t make yourself look foolish with crap about a worse and worse world that doesn’t affect you.

8) That’s life/Life isn’t fair

Saying this to yourself (which you and nearly everyone else probably doesn’t) is cool, puts things into perspective. Saying this to someone else just makes you a fucking jerk.

Sorry, projecting.

Ma and Pa said this shit all the time- more on that later.

The first and second time this really burned was when I was eating more than I could handle at a restaurant at Johns Hopkins, first year. I was forcing myself to eat the rest and when one of my friends asked why I was forcing myself to eat, I said what I’ve always been told and what I’ve always felt was a good thing to have in the back of my mind when I was being greedy or wasteful or taking things for granted: “There are starving kids in Africa.”

I was under the impression that that was something innate. You did your best on things because others would die for that chance, and all that. What my friend said will forever just… haunt me.

“Well, that’s life. No need to force yourself to eat over it.”

That’s life? THAT’S LIFE? 

You hear ‘starving kids in Africa’ and you say, that’s life? It’s okay to waste food because you can’t feed the starving kids and the kids are starving because that’s life.

On a less serious, projecting note. Computer crashed and someone lost three essays they was working on- what makes anyone think that saying, “That’s life!” would do anything but irritate the person further?

Projection: Roundabout three years after restaurant. Talking about The Walking Dead with same friend, and how irritating that they kept turning away people, and I told friend that I felt that turning them away was the same as killing them. She didn’t think so and asked me an analogy: Is not feeding the kids in Africa the same as starving them. I immediately said yes, and I will not make any excuses for it, not for myself anyway.

She continues to voice her opinions and I explain my reasoning: that how we are not helping them- how we are ignoring them- is no better and identical to killing them. Because we could help them, but we let them suffer anyway. If I was in their position, I would want someone to help me, and it isn’t fair.

“Well, life isn’t fair.”

99.9999%, the person you’re speaking to knows that life isn’t fair AND has heard this almost as many times as you have- it’s pointless, dismissive, idiotic, rude, and unsympathetic- so if you’re trying to win all those awards, fire away. Otherwise, proceed to bottom of this part.

Projection: “Hey, [sister] got away with this when she did it. Why am I getting punished? That’s not fair!”

“Life’s not fair.”

Get ready for the asshole who’s going to hate your guts and you will have to bend over backwards to teach them anything.

Projection: “Hey, [brother] did it. Why do we all have to get punished? That’s not fair!”

“Life’s not fair.”

General fuckery ensues (talk about bad blood!).

This one really hits close to home on a lot of different levels, but I want these things to be universal.

What to say instead: Say something that will alleviate the situation. “That fucking sucks” or “Here’s some ice-cream” works a lot better than some lousy adage about life. 

9) Ignore them, they’ll stop/If you act like you don’t mind, they’ll stop

Dear sister recommended this and I decided to add it, because I loathed this as a child  and I’m sure my sister loathes it now.

It’s pretty simple, and you have to be a real ignorant jackass to not see the problem with this. Yet, lovely, decent people say this entirely too much- and they know it’s crap, and they are working on doing something for their child/the child or whoever is in trouble. This is a deflection; this is evasion.

Because if you ignore them/act like you don’t mind, shit gets worse. Sometimes, maybe, they’ll back off. Most likely these assholes have found somebody new. But if you stay the sole big kid, dark skinned, girl with hair on her neck, snores when she sleeps, writes in her diary, eats alone-  they have you pegged. Of course they’ll get bored, but why should this child or anyone else endure a week, a month, a semester of bullying? That’s life? I don’t think so, moron

It’s also victim-blaming. Somehow, the bullied is at fault for being bullied. This is sometimes the case- you should take your baths. Majorly, the bullies are asses who love to feel superior.

Saying this to a kid will be lying. Kid will get her hopes up, and will feel guilty because she isn’t trying hard enough. Then she realizes that it was a lie and knows that you won’t be someone who can help her. And if you can’t, who, or what, will?

What to say instead: Do something productive instead. Get on those officials about zero-tolerance for bullying that only comes in effect when someone commits suicide and it covers their asses. Do something!

10) He just likes you/They’re just jealous of you

Similar to number nine, except that most people don’t realize these phrases are absolute crap. Seeing as none of those guys, from elementary school up to high school, ever asked me out or wanted to hang out or talk to me- they didn’t like me. Seeing as none of those people share the same joys as me- they aren’t jealous of me.

I once babysat a third-grader who told her mom some boys were teasing her at school. The mom said, “Those boys probably just like you, honey!”

Imagine my disbelief, a decade out of third-grade, and realizing people still said this shit to their kids- not just my aunt to her kids or second cousin to her kids or long-lost half-sister to her kids- random people! These phrases were universal.

The child asked me and I told her to tell a teacher.

“The teacher said the same thing.”

WHAT THE FIDDLY FUCK?!

“I don’t think they like me, though.”

Of course, you’re not going to tell the darlin’ that, though they may not dislike her, they don’t very much like her either, or care about her feelings . But what fucking good does that do?

So I said I would talk to her mother. I flavored up the child’s distress to get the mom on it. Don’t know if she did, but I guilt-tripped her good, if her biting her lower lip was any indication.

What to say instead: Unless your child is has an obvious talent or beauty (that isn’t smarts- unless it’s another academically-oriented bully- no one is going to be jealous of your kid’s smarts, sorry), don’t feed them that trash that people are jealous of them. And that s/he just likes you probably only adheres to preschoolers, okay?

11) Just sayin’ (interchangeable with no offense)

This goes without sayin’. A lot of people say this, and a lot of people have rebutted against people just sayin’ this. If we were to equate the phrase to ‘just letting you know’, which is what I take it to mean most of the time, it’s still stupid to say.

“I don’t really like Mexicans. Just saying.”

This is a shut-up phrase, designed to make you look stupid for taking what they say/write seriously. It’s also pretty effective, but people are using it for the wrong reasons.

Are you going up against a truly sensitive person?

“Man, it’s 3 already?”

“What, you think you’ve spent too much time with me?!”

“Naw… I was just sayin’ it was 3 already.”

Still, this isn’t a totally innocent phrase, but it’s more acceptable than how many people use it. Above, the just sayin’ person is no doubt implying something when he makes his first statement, beyond letting the other guy know- there wouldn’t be ‘man’ or ‘already’ there if it was just a statement of time.

Most of the time, it’s with asshole comments about how ‘well, a lot of blondes are kind of dumb. Just sayin’,’ ‘He has a lot of sex, though. Just sayin’,’ ‘Black people take up the most room in jail, just sayin’.”

What to say instead: Leave out ‘just sayin” and take your verbal assbeating.

12)It’s my opinion

Kind of like eleven, but said more often, included with much viler ‘opinions’, and has a touch of arrogance that really provokes the ire in everyone.

Having your opinion and making it known does not miraculously shield you from your ‘haters’, nor does it make me or anyone shut up from shutting you up. Wuss out from under your opinion if you want to, it helps me realize your opinion isn’t worth anyone’s time, really. I’ll do better next, time, yea?

What to say instead: If you really want to shield attacks (though I doubt it, since you’re on the internet), say that you’re sorry to offend anyone, even if you aren’t. You’ll probably get ignored.

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Have you finished this? Yay! Hope you learned something  today! Tell your friends! Tell your friends with kids! Tell the people you know with kids! Yea!