All posts by ShinashiZ

Right now I'm a 24 year old female in my last semester of college. I have nine half-sisters and brothers, two fathers, a mother, Schizo-Affective Depressive Disorder, and an odd hankering for men having sex with each other. As you might have guessed, I like to read- but I also like to simply collect old classics and good books (gay and dystopian novels are my favorite). I write a great deal- mostly my stories concerning the tales of a planet of hermaphrodites with a strong D/s scene. I'm into, for Earth, gay D/s stories. If you've read this far, and you have recommendations, I'm willing to read them. If I don't have gay men/hermaphrodites beating each other to read or write, I watch television. Archer is hilarious and I have the sixth season to marathon. Fear the Walking Dead is gonna take me by the heart just like anything Walking Dead (except that horrible game whom we will not name). And John Oliver, Stephen Colbert , and the Daily Show new guy probably will always amuse me. Once I've exhausted enough fuel on live-action whatever, I do watch animated shows. Right now, Archer- again, is at the top of my list. And I will finally get into Steven Universe, Adventure Time, and Gravity Falls AS EVERYONE SHOULD. I also follow The Most Popular Girls In School, because it's hilarious. Over the seas, I'm into Ranpo Kitan, Ore Monogatari (<3), and Unlimited Blade Works (etc.) When I'm feeling particularly manic, I blow off steam with memes and other amusing things across the internet- like any tumblrs focusing on comedy (The Worst Things For Sale comes to mind). When I'm feeling ultra manic, I physically skip in my room to music for hours. So long that there are cracks in my feet that split open and bleed. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that. I listen to just about anything (Sam Smith, Janell Monae, Muse, Florence and the Machine, Kanye West, Rihanna, Beethoven, Ravel, jrock like Acid Black Cherry and The Back Horn, Queen, Aaliyah, The Beatles, Seki Toshihiko or anyone from The Prince of Tennis- and so on and so forth- this really hasn't changed over the three years) When I'm at ease after a manic rush or just about to start (before and after, basically), I play video games. I have a PS3, my favorite, PS4, a 3DS, and, last but not least, an Xbox 360. On the 3DS I have Resident Evil Revelations, Harvest Moon Tale of Two Towns, and Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance. Zelda Skyward Sword and Harvest Moon Animal Parade for a nonexistent Wii. Dead Space 2 and 3, Tekken Tag Tournament 2, FFXIII- Lightning Returns, Geometry Wars, and many, many others on the PS3. And Soul Caliber 5, Street Fighter IV Arcade Edition (Gold Maximum Plus whatever), Blazblue, Devil May Cry 4 and the Reboot, Resident Evil 5 and 6, Deadspace, Final Fantasy XIII and XIII-2 (I like them both), Skyrim (still playing), Castlevania Lord of Shadows, The Walking Dead (both seasons), Game of Thrones, and Bioshock 2. I look forward to, each week, to several webcomics. One of which is The Young Protectors. It's like Young Justice comics with the promise of Aqualad and Superboy getting it on... Or Aqualad and Aquaman, as the case may be. Then there's Stolen about this boy who gets kidnapped and then the kidnapper helps him find his boyfriend (who is with another guy) and there's some political stuff, but hey. Then there's Behind the Obsidian Mirror about some gay Aztecs and there's Kingfisher about gay vampires and Starfighter about gay guys in space and Purpurea Noxa which is about gay vampires again! There's plenty more where that came from. My major is German now, and all I really, really, really want to do is translate yaoi manga, games and novels. *shrug* But I'll take teaching English if it's really possible for a black female like me or a job in government. I want six kids and two husbands and a wife and for the world to accept female hair. If you're here, thanks for reading. Drop me a line if you want to talk about anything or blow off some steam. Laters.

“Name 3 Good Things About Yourself” (or Working Only For Pay)

If you’re reading this, I’m almost 100% certain that you’ve been asked to relate a good quality about yourself (You might have also learned that you shouldn’t really talk about just any 3 good things, but stuff that will make you look good to the person you’re talking to. A bit disingenuous, but Trump is president so c’est la vie).

Now what I’m getting to is that I have a job here at a restaurant, where people fucking ‘celebrate’ with us on Thanksgiving, New Year’s Eve and Day, and Christmas Eve, and this restaurant needed (actually still needs) another back-up cook. I offered my cousin, who wouldn’t be able to decide to go left or right to escape a paper bag, and the manager on duty at the time had asked me a simple question:

“Is she smart?”

Now, intelligence means different things to people but when people say smart, I can only think of a few definitions that one could mean. So I had promptly replied:

“She’s as smart as me.”

The manager at the time had given me a dubious look, complete with an upturned eyebrow. Kind of indignant, I had continued:

“I’m actually really smart.”

The manager had laughed and said:

“You had one good Saturday, and now you’re so confident!”

That wasn’t all untrue. For the first time, I had gone through a Saturday successfully. It had been perhaps my second or third Saturday. I had not even had the three days of training that I was supposed to get (they had simply forgotten that part, but I didn’t know until a couple weeks later).

That wasn’t all untrue, but nor was it all a joking matter. Being as smart as I meant nothing. It wasn’t something to aspire to.

Before you wonder why the hell I’m being so conceited, I don’t really mean that people should try to be as smart as I am, but I lived my entire life knowing that I was very intelligent. I lived most of my life with people recognizing my smarts. I was the sort of smart that made people think that I wouldn’t survive ‘on the streets’ or ‘in the real world’ or whatever platitude to build themselves up after knowing that they couldn’t match me in wits even if I was ocean deep in the cups.

But no one would know it as I worked in this restaurant.

I hadn’t thought of this moment in a while, as I was busy hating the company behind the restaurant and the guests patronizing the restaurant (who the fuck comes in at 7 am on New Year’s Day? Scum, that’s who.)

When the beginning tingles of this memory surfaced, I thought also, was I still upset about what had happened? How my manager had reacted? The situation bloomed in my mind once more and as the anger and indignation and stagnant anxiety shook me to my core, I knew it still drove me nuts.

I’m fucking smart.

I get these tickets to make food; they print out as soon as a waiter or waitress puts in the order. And waiters and waitresses know this. And yet the ton of them still come to ask:

“Did you get my ticket?”

“I need a salad.”

“Are you making my dessert?”

Do they do this with the other side of cooking? Nope! They are perfectly certain that the people over there are getting the greater side of their orders ready. They never need to be checked. You might be thinking, maybe they are checking to see if I need help. BWAHAHA.

The most infuriating part of it is that I’m one of three people behind my station, almost always working alone. So they should know by now that I know. They know that I have been working and getting things done without the constant barrage of check-ups but I feel as if they think that and then they think:

“Oh wait, we can’t trust her. She’s an idiot.”

And I’m smart. And I know what I’m doing. Don’t give me advicejust in case, because that just tells me that you think I have no idea, when you should remember that I’ve made this a hundred times correctly, without your help.

And I think and had thought… Just show them how smart you are!

But there’s nowhere to show it. I hate working doing what I do for the people I do it for in a place that keeps on the radio and the radio sucks. And not in a Grandpa-voice-music-is-not-what-it-used-to-be BS said by people who don’t know how to use the internet or music streaming services to escape the radio hobbling of aural entertainment, kind of way. But in that they-are-playing-the-same-thing-over-and-over-again kind of way. Over and over in the same night, in the same hour, in the same half hour. Or that they talk. The main radio has a talk show between the extremely narrow music selection EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT. Fucking praying and shit

Singing to the music, because that’s a way I can keep my sanity, and people do ask me how I know all these words to the song and how to sing them. As I try to keep the Archer voice from saying  how can you not, I tell them I hear the songs a lot. I mean, damn, Taylor Swift has always been overplayed but this station makes her seem like their patron saint (Saint Swift does sound nice). Multiple songs from her, every night, and often repeated.

I could show my intelligence being some sort of doctor.  But my interest in the medical field is more nonexistent than god.

And that brings me to my loves of the humanities. Perhaps almost anywhere in there (probably not poetry though). People laugh at the humanities and how majors there (or outside of STEM really) are useless (it’s ageist/anti-Millennial BS BTW), there are people out there who would like to *GASP* ENJOY THEIR WORK, instead of working to get a paycheck.

And that’s the main reason why I work here, is for a paycheck. I want things (things in particular!) and the only way I’ll get them is to work for actual money.

Working for money isn’t the main problem. I don’t mind working for money. But I hate this particular work (and most others). What if my paycheck depended on how much I wrote? I have to put work in for people to start paying for things that I love to do. I have already put in the work others are already getting paid for (congratulations them!), but while we live in a world of getting references from people that merely pay you, and dealing with getting experience that requires experience that requires experience, I feel such things are a long way off.

I try to shut down that part of my brain. Who cares if I’m smart? No one. And that’s ok. It’s ok. Ok?

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Bible, Day 27

Genesis 37:1-39:23

Summary: Joseph, King of Dreams.

37:2- “This is the account of Jacob”, but this is clearly the account of Joseph. I suppose this is a misprint….ABZ says further that this is the account of the descendants of  Jacob, which is probably what is meant when one says account of.

Not trying to downplay what the brothers-minus-Reuben did, selling his brother for a few pieces of silver and managing to trick Jacob/Israel by putting some blood on the robe, although Jacob/Israel made sure to note that the brothers were jealous of Joseph….Besides allll that, can people not make it so blaringly obvious that they like some people over the others. Jacob/Israel gave him a beautiful robe for that express purpose

Also, what happened to what happened with Dinah and Schechem? Didn’t that cause trouble of any nature???

38– What I got from this chapter is that women want to be married off and have children, and that’s very much acceptable. BUT 9-10, THIS was wicked? And the offspring won’t be his- when has that ever stopped anyone in the Bible? And how was he ‘put to death’, and the other brother?

:24 – He was going to burn his daughter-in-law for being a prostitute but he sought the services of a prostitute in the first place. Ain’t that a bag of nastiness. And since she had sons, their births were accurately reported. Or maybe because she was of a different religion than the prostitutes in the area (there were shrine prostitutes for a different kind of goddess in the area)

39 – So God influences everything that Joseph put his hands on. And so he has the power to directly influence things, and when we converse of the Dilemma of Evil for religion’s take of God’s omnibenevolence, it is said that God’s plans are unfathomable when in fact things are extremely fathomable!

And Joseph seems to be a saint, ‘cuz it sounds like he’s working hard and takin’ everythin’ in stride

Bible Study, Day 26, Twelve sons and Dinah, who got raped

Genesis 33:1-35:29

Abram’s name was changed to Abraham and in the NIVC, that was his name until he died, but Jacob is still being called Jacob, and not Israel. Maybe because he keeps tricking poor Esau The Sap. And his wheedling to Esap with ‘your servant’ this and ‘your servant’ that, and plus his actions from before with Laban and even before with the birthright thing, the fact that his name is now Israel must not have sat well with the goatmen, no matter what God said, lol.

33:1-2 – Goddamn, do you have to make your favoritism so damn transparent. It’s gross.

34 – Shechem raped Dinah and expected her to be his wife (given away, by the way). As horrible as that was, Jacob’s sons killing all the circumcized males in the village/town/city was off as well. And now Jacob has ‘trouble’, to put it lightly. Maybe everyone knew and did nothing? I’m not sure why they killed and plundered and took the women and children.

35:20 – “to this day that pillar marks Rachel’s tomb”, where are we on the timeline again?

:22 – “While Israel was living in that region, Reuben went in and slept with his father’s concubine Bilhah, and Israel heard of it.” And then it continues to Jacob’s sons by which women he’s slept with. Should we just know that Reuben (Jacob’s firstborn) slept with the maidservant? Also, Jacob is now Israel for sure!

Oh, Rachel dies in childbirth and Isaac dies of old age.

Bible, Day 25, People be forgettin’

Genesis 31:1-32:32

Summary: The story of Jacob leaving Laban and Jacob returning to his brother Esau and everything makes me question this God-of-the-Bible. I better read in Revelations or Peter why God gives the world the silent treatment.

31:3– He SAID TO JACOB. We know for certain this nigga ain’t perfect so why is God gabbing away and popping up in this dude’s dreams all his life but is now utterly silent? Questions!

:7 – Changed wages ten times? Like, lower wages? Higher wages?

:8 – Okay, so ABZ says not to doubt this dream of Jacob because it was verified elsewhere but we know how people can get around revelations and premonitions, but beyond that- We’ve read with 30:37-43 that Jacob SPECIFICALLY influenced the outcome of the sheep’s physiology with the branches from “poplar, almond and plane trees“…. sooooo how is Jake gonna say that God influenced the outcome, making all the young speckled because Jake wanted specks, and making all the young streaked because Jake wanted the streaks? Are we just going to ignore that?

:19- “When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father’s household gods.” Gods! Are there other gods? Are other religions okay? Why did Rachel take those? From verses 14-16, it seems both Leah and Rachel believe in Jacob’s god (and, indeed, there seems to be a poignant effort to point out whose god is whom’s)

:24- “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.” Sooooo, basically, God wants Laban to leave or speak through a mediator? ABZ clarifed- “Be careful that you do not speak from good to bad”, Gooootcha. Why are they different???

:38– It’s not hard to believe that Jacob was ill-treated (more often than what was said before) while with Laban, but then Laban can’t find his gods (I guess wooden or stone idols), but Rachel DID steal them. How have people who’ve read this ever learned to trust or really, truly believe another person when things can be hidden like this? Also, ABZ explained further why the idols were important, and not because they were gods (of course) but because those who had possession of the idols can claim Laban’s inheritance, so the idols work as a blessing or heirloom or will of sorts.

:53- ABZ puts, as extra, thusly “Jacob swore only by [the one true God] the Dread and Fear of  his father Isaac, while Laban swore by some other things. I guess holy wars weren’t a thing here? Or maybe it was because they were relatives? I wonder.

32:32– Principle of the matter I guess, but it doesn’t seem as if anyone asked them to do this.

back to 32:24-32– So Jacob-turned-Israel wrestled with God and God lost (?????). And God can make himself into the shape of a man and talk to people? And he uses this power to wrestle Jacob and knock his hip socket out of place so that Israelites would put hip socket tendons on the non-Kosher list? So damn random!

Bible, Day 24, Back to Ridiculousness 2/2

Genesis 28:10-30:43

Summary: This story is so fucking ridiculous. Basically the telling of Jacob and his wives and how God messes with all of them. On top of that, the regular sexism of the age is made so dastardly prominent that I believe I had a permanent scowl on the entire time I was reading these passages. Let’s dive in.

28:10– so Jacob has left and he has a premonition or a dream or God visits him or something. It says in 12 that he dreamed, but then Jacob really felt some type of way because he calls that random place where it got dark it the ‘gateway’ to heaven. And it seems he made that decision on his own. Anyway, this is mostly wish fulfillment so that the goatmen listening know that they are special, or to convert so that they can become one of the special ones. Moving on.

20:17-18 – I’m always lookin’ into the order things are explained because usually the order has some logical explanation. So it is expressed that Rachel was prettier than Leah, and the next verse we have Jacob loving Rachel, which puts to mind that the reason he loves Rachel more than Leah is because Rachel was prettier than Leah, and that seems very likely.

20:25– How are these men being tricked so easily? I know Jacob is a bit young so couldn’t he hear the difference between Leah and Rachel? Did Leah not speak or make a sound?  Had candles not been invented yet? And why is Laban such a jackass? Why does Jacob have to work another seven years, and why would he agree to that? And is that all a woman is worth- seven years? And what does/do Rachel and/or Leah think about this?

:31– Why is Rachel barren if God can, at any time, make her not barren? Didn’t he see the misery coming?  Leah has, what, five sons by the time Rachel throws her maid at Jacob so that she can ‘have a family through her’. How does that work exactly? Is her maid not a person, so it counts as hers because the maid is hers? Is this an Unsullied sort of thing? UnsulliedBecause that was the exact kind of thinking that brought these boys along.

Speaking of boys, the preference of boys over girls is never explained. And there is no good reason for it. Some have said in the past (who am I kidding, they say it now) that is because boys are bigger and stronger and whatever, which is why so many people mourn the loss of ‘big strong manly men’ today, because it’s better to be that than anything else. And winning wars that we don’t need to have, that’s important too.

30:26 – So Laban knows he could get the good stuff through Jacob and convinces him to stay and Jacob fixes the sheep population so that he gets the big and strong sheep. I’m not sure how the branches work- maybe the whiteness of the inner wood rubs off on the babies? Anyway, there’s no way this plan would backfire.

 

Bible, Day 24, Back to ridiculousness 1/2

So ol’ Wordyprez let me know that it’s been at least a month since the last time I’ve updated my blog site. And I usually slack off on social media if I’m having fun elsewhere, and that fun’s being had through chats and video games and wonderful family and people. So life is puuuurty  nice right now- even got an interview with a job I really really really really want.

But I was enjoying my little Bible studies, yes yes, and I was ultra excited when I got another specially made Bible from one of my sister’s friend’s mother. This lovely lady is just like my mom when it comes to religion- or, really, Christianity. What I call cloyingly religious. Like the phrase ‘cloyingly sweet’, no matter the situation or what part of the dessert you’re eating, religion makes its way in with all the delicacy as a waterfall of syrup.

It's Jesus!
It’s Jesus!

And that experience reminded me on why I had to pull no punches whatsoever with my atheism, because many times, no one else does. On top o’ dat, she knew I didn’t go to church and I bet she knew it was because I didn’t believe in any religions or gods. She repeatedly said that I should ‘try out God’ and ‘try out church’ and ‘remember God is in all things’ and was talking about how people are punished by God all the time, and I felt so damn disrespected.

Lemme tell you about one of the people that God punished in her life. I told her that I don’t deal with my mom very much because she’s not a good person right now but ain’t no one call tell her nothing- and it’s always been this way and I’ve only really just grasped it this year. Well Friend’s Mom starts talking about how this one woman in her life did very wrongly by her parents- said bad stuff, put ’em in a nursing home, treated them very wrong. Then she got cancer and died very quickly. She was in her early sixties. And while that seems like an everyday thing, that showed Friend’s Mom to always respect her parents. Lemme tell you, goddamnit, nothing sparks my fury faster than fucking gaslighting me (I get dreams- I guess nightmares?- about gaslighting nearly every day). It shows how you don’t know about me, or my life, or my effin’ parents. People automatically assume I’m being ungrateful or misunderstanding my parents or something. I think it’s because I’m a cool cat or something so my parents MUST be the ones to thank.

parents can be assholes

So I  might’ve been a bit biased on Friend’s Mom experience with Cancer Friend. But then! My sister told how she was going to visit an internet friend (went well by the way, everyone was who they said they were, sister had a fantastic time), and Friend’s Mom told us about another friend who met a man and it turned out he was evil and a pervert and they married and divorced within a month. Why was the man evil and a pervert? Because he watched porn.

Alright ok

I nearly asked, “What kind of porn?” But I had a feeling that that wasn’t the point. Now I know there are some feminists out there who find all porn to be the work of spoiled men who wanted to be sexually fulfilled at any moment and that pornography preyed on young women who needed money and a job- but I didn’t think that Friend’s Mom was that kind of anti-porn artist. My sister sent a still of above to my phone.

When we almost separated (I missed my bus the first go ’round, but we caught up with it- an hour early actually), Friend’s Mom gave me the Amplified Bible (ABZ) by Zondervan. ABZ uses extremely simplified translations that are more prose than Hebrew poetry. It has introductions and outlines and explanations in parenthesis and so I believe it’s addition will render my analyses more complete. Just to remind you, the other Bible I’m using is the New International Version One Year Chronological (NIVC). This foreword was a little longer than I expected, but I suppose that is to be expected after not writing for a while!

Bible, Day 23, and Jacob Deceives Isaac! Didn’t see that coming.

J/K I did. Jacob means ‘he deceives’

Genesis 27:1-28:9

Summary: Jacob deceives poor Isaac when he’s old.

27 – Can’t he tell the difference between their voices? This is a ridiculous story. And what about Rebekah’s part in this plot? Well, I guess putting the blame squarely on the shoulders who did it is commendable, and Jacob did take Esau’s birthright, so it’s not like he didn’t want to take from Esau what was his, but your mother saying she’ll help you trick the dad does put some blame on said mother.

Can the blessing be passed on to only one kid? Why are we lording one kid over the other kids? Especially fucking twins? Do you want them to kill each other?

39 – Awesome blessing, Isaac. What is wrong with these people? Why didn’t he memorize two blessings?

45 – What’s up with these people and forgetting? I would never forget that my brother took a blessing reaching me and my wive s and my children and my children’s children for himself, and I get a shitty off-the-cuff blessing.

28:2 – Marry one of your cousins, Jacob. 8-9 Abraham son’s Ishmael who had a daughter named Mahalath married Esau. Abraham had Isaac and Ishmael. Mahalath is Esau’s cousin. Ok, that makes sense.

I pretty much skipped the rest. Made my eyes cross reading that crap.