The Bible – Day 1 (2/2)

I totally forgot to show the rating system I thought up for religious text. They’ve been swirling around in my mind and I need to put it down to paper (you know what I mean). It’s somewhat like my anime reviews (which I really need to get back on- I absolutely loved making gifs and such from the anime I watched, but alas, I only have so much time with internet each day and I like to play too many online games.No! No more おすすめゲーム!)

Anyway, the rating system. Like any good one, categories come in fives, including the rating of 1 (poor) – 5 (pretty sweet). My five are Plot (how interesting whatever is going on here), Credibility (how likely whatever is going on actually happened- and of course this is based on a number of factors such based on history, science, and my own logic), Reliability (Many people have called the Bible timeless and unchanging, always applicable. Here I think, is it? Even if it’s interesting and true, can we count on it to apply to our own lives?), Clarity (Even if it is interesting, true, and applicable to our own lives, can we count on mostly everyone getting the same idea from the scripture- this is also contingent on whether or not other scriptures contradict the ones in question), Reality (So the piece is interesting, true, applicable and clear- but how have Christians treated the pieces in question? For example, adultery is one of the Ten Commandments and yet we treat adulterers with a more sympathetic eye- and that goes on to those who steal and covet. This is the most interesting part of the Bible and its influence on the real world, and is mostly affected outside of the Bible. When it wasn’t a question that everyone and their mother was Christian, we were still hanging 17-year-olds for, like, stealing horses. Reality is so much different from then!)

Alright, today-ish we have Genesis 2-3. This is actually still part of Day 1, but the days are more for me than anyone else.

Okay. Genesis 2-3

  • Plot – 5, for I’ve always read this far, as any good Christian has
  • Credibility – 1, BWAHAHAHA
  • Reliability – 2, bwahahahaha, but then  you think on the reality
  • Clarity – 0, explained below
  • Reality – 4, Despite the middle scores, there are still people who say, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve

2:1 – “Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.”


2:5  – “and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth (footnote says, or land)” – So was Earth completed or not???!!! Is this a flashback?? Explain! CLARITY PLEASE!

2:18 – So God tries to make a suitable helper for Adam and, what, fails with the first beasts the Adam names (at least in the following verse, proper English is used: “Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air.” And then they were brought before Adam, who named them. If this is the beginning, does that mean he named only those in existence, or new species as well?). Why didn’t he just make woman in the first place? And why doesn’t he just breathe in the dust and make a woman? Ah, the goat-keepers had to make sure that they show why woman must be subservient to men, I suppose- but there is no reason for a god to do such.

– Why the serpent. Why does it talk. Can the other animals talk? Any of them say to Eve, don’t listen to that no leg having son of no one (just like the rest of us)! But, whatevs, a serpent. How come he wants to fuck with Eve and Adam? Where did he get his ideas from? Is he evil? Crafty? Where did he learn his craftiness from???

3:6 – Hold one goddamn minute. “yadda yadda yadda…she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.” I don’t know about y’all, but this sounds as if Adam was right next to Eve. Didn’t even seem as if she said a word! And why was this tree made?

Why was the tree of life and knowledge even made? Can’t he just let people live and know, or the opposite? I mean, he’s finding people’s keys and winning Superbowls, and letting millions starve to death and little kids suffocate underneath blankets or when they’re on their stomach SO WHY THIS NEEDLESS TROUBLE? This is where omnibenevolence and omniscience gets confusing because this just doesn’t make seeeense.

3:14-15 – The serpent doesn’t eat dust, and as far as anyone knows, they aren’t particularly bothered by crawling on their belly. And we also have snakes as pets… 16 – Increase your pains? So it was already going to be painful? Desire will be for the husband? Ok sure that works (lesbians weren’t invented yet, I suppose). He will rule over you- oh yes, the goatmen liked this part.

24 – so he blocked the way back in to Eden. So there should be a gate guarded by cherubim with a flaming sword (uuuummmm sword? Were those invented yet? Why not a gun or cannon or laser?).

What’s interesting to me about this is that many Christians are pretty set that this happened. But there is so much to think about before believing this out of hand, especially in this age of technology. If you’re wondering how can planes like Egyptair disappear, ask where the Garden of Eden is.




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