Pledging Virginity To Daddy

As much as this sounds like some very off-kilter smut piece, this could actually be the chapter of some young woman’s teenage life. I put this title on the delightfully- ah, no, I can’t even speak of it in jest. It’s pretty disgusting. Let’s face it, we’re talking about virginity in the spine-chilling traditional sense of whether or not a vagina has been penetrated by a penis and these women are promising that their vaginas aren’t going to be penetrated by penises, and their Dads will help be their beacon or barrier or whatever against penetrating penises.


Yea, I’m talking about Purity Balls (and other such celebrations of virginity, really).

Here’s a glimpse at this madness:

Screenshot 2014-06-01 13.45.33

And look at the simpering expression. Oh-ha-ha, yes, Puuuuuurity Balls. Let’s not take into account that a woman is only pure as long as her vagina is not penetrated by penises, and that it is important that a woman is not penetrated by penises in the first place. Let’s look at Daddy protecting Daughter in being pure.

I find this comes off as antagonistic and barbaric. Lemme give you some background on what I mean, because this shit didn’t come out of no where.

I work at a certain place as a cashier and sometimes, because of the long lines since customers believe they have absolutely no where else to go, customers can have conversations with each other. There was Younger Couple (with girl child) and Older Couple (who presumably has a girl child as well).

These people seemed absolutely normal, kind of awesome actually. The Older Couple was helping the Younger Couple with the ton of groceries they were buying, and I was scanning on.

The the man of the Younger Couple saw a T-Shirt the man from the Older Couple was buying. And he said, “I like that shirt!” and then he made a joke about keeping men away from his young toddler when she got older. I had been trying to read the shirt in between scanning but I quickly lost interest.

I don’t remember when I started feeling disgusted by the supposed need of fathers to keep young men away from their daughters, but it’s there, and not the topic of this post.

Then the man from the Older Couple had another joke up his sleeve: “Yea, my daughter called me. They had just had one of them sex ed classes and she was like “Daddy, you lied! You said that if I had sex before I was sixteen, the boy would die!”

“Oh, he still will, he still will.”

And they all shared a good laugh at that and I’m like

oh my god Kurt gif


“Yea, why can’t they leave that stuff for marriage?” says the man of the Younger Couple, and here I am thinking, like, isn’t this 2014? Then this man starts talking about how God wanted us to stay pure until marriage and that it’s in the Bible and that our bodies are temples that need to be kept sacred.

And the woman of the Younger Couple starts talking and it gets even more downhill, or maybe we’re underground now, I’m not sure. I do know that it’s pretty dark. Well, wherever we are, the woman of the Younger Couple says, “We’ve already got it all planned out for her.”


“We’re not going to let her date until her senior year of high school, just in time for prom, where she’s going to be home fifteen minutes after it’s over.” They all laugh, and I’m just like, why, why, whyyyyyy do  you have so many groceries? If this wasn’t the first of the month, you would be gone already!

Then the woman of the Older Couple is there to pipe in and I’m just thinking, oh, this is going to be terrible, because older women are the worse at judging young females because they are often chock full of bad experiences with men and sex and have judgement clouding their every decision.

So she says, “We’re not going to let her date until she’s sixteen and a half, and only for the vow. Our daughter asked one day, “For the vow”, and I’m like, yes, wedding vows. This is not going dress shopping, you’re going to go at it once and stick with it. No sex until the  marriage night, and no divorce.”

Man pipes in, “To a guy of our choosing. If he wants her, he’ll have to go through us first, especially me.” He flexes, they all laugh.

oh my god community gif

It’s like dating is this Game of Thrones sort of thing, and the daughter is a throne on which to be seated is someone’s junk and that someone has to go through hoops and barrels because being in love with the girl is just not enough.

I’m sure I don’t have to go into detail that the man-to-be has to be Christian and the like.

And the laughing was really killing me people, oh-ha-ha-ha, I love having this much control over our children’s lives, oh-ha-ha-ha, but it’s not really children. Why is only the guy going to be dead if he has sex with the daughter before marriage? Why must the woman remain pure? The lady is just a Barbie pristine and pure and then dirtied with sex that she can’t control with a mutual boyfriend. Utter bollocks.

And let’s go back to purity balls and virginity pledges.  Here’s a quote from the Generations of Light webpage.

“The daughters silently commit to live pure lives before God through the symbol of laying down a white rose at the cross.”

Mean Lady judging arrested development gif


It is impossible to convey what I have seen in their sweet spirits, their delicate, forming souls, as their daddy takes them out for their first big dance. Their whole being absorbs my loving attention, resulting in a radiant sense of self-worth and identity.”

Let me help you out with that impossible to convey feeling that you expressly conveyed. You have a daughter fetish and the thought of controlling her sexual exploits in your hammed fists makes your willy tingle.

This is what religion does to power-hungry people who are nervous about the souls of their kids.

I looked into the eyes of the child who was ready for a nap and feel sorry for the child. Of course, if she wants to be Christian (not like she’ll have a choice in the matter outwardly) but if on the inside she wants to be Christian, technically speaking, she’s going to let Daddy hold her virginity in her heart and let him scare down any boy that comes forward. But she doesn’t need a ring or ball or her father staring down at her looking into her pure, delicate soul to make it a reality. It’ll already be so.

P.S. That daughter of the Older Couple isn’t allowed to have male friends on Facebook. She’s sixteen.

P.P.S. They swapped non-denominational churches after the visit, they clicked so well.

P.P.P.S. The customer after the Older Couple was laughing at me the entire time!


3 thoughts on “Pledging Virginity To Daddy”

  1. whoever came with such ideas as virginity pledges was bored out of their lives with nothing better to do and this was their way of getting back at everyone else

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