What if God’s an Asshole? or That Other Catch-22

There comes a time (when we heed a certain call~) when we have to make some difficult choices. I don’t think I have had any of those yet, perhaps because I have experiences where I only have to make hard choices when I really, really want to. Getting out of a traditional high school to go to a reclusive private one on a college campus- nope, not that hard. Yet, my sister was asking people for weeks whether or not she should have done it. What college to go to? Once Johns Hopkins gave me the most money, easy pickings, and I think most can understand that. (Though I’ve just found this college in Japan that’s so perfect it hurts- leave Johns Hopkins and go there and get everything I need for the future I want, or stay with people who care about me but I’ll have to leave eventually- soon?)

But the title came by when I was having a conversation with Mama and how she viewed Christians that she believed weren’t really Christians- and I learned about her views on Catholics,Mormons, and Jehovah Witnesses, especially how they viewed the Bible. Of course, she thought they read parts wrong (like how Catholics have incorporated Hail Mary and Jehovah Witnesses don’t do blood transfusions) or that they extrapolated more than they needed to.I found myself telling her that the passages they viewed could be interpreted their way and that their nonsense could be true according to the same Bible.

“What makes them think God wants that?” She then started on a list of things that god really wanted Christians to do, and how things from the New Testament canceled out things in the Old Testament, and god doesn’t expect us to be perfect so “Live and let live!”

Godmean Wonka Idolatry Now, I find my mother’s views pretty progressive and liberal, if a complete lie right with the Catholics, Mormons, and Jehovah Witnesses. Her beliefs are pretty much this: Believe in the Christian god, believe Jesus was real and died for our sins and sits with Christian god right now, and get baptized to the best of your ability.

Of course, I find that utter bollocks. Why would the Christian god ordain the ginormous Bible, but all he wanted was for us humans to believe he was real, believe Jesus was real, and get baptized?

No, he wanted that other shit, too. In any case, my mom (and other Christians) are quite certain what he DIDN’T want, so why is she so standoffish when some people are particular on what he actually wants?

And why be angry at fundamentalist Christians or people at Westboro (and going so far as to say they are going to hell) when they cherry-pick the Bible, and she chooses, really, the easiest instructions to go by. Really, by her logic, all of them will be going to heaven anyway.

And that’s what gets a lot of atheists on Fundies Say the Darndest Things! If many gods were real, they would let in some real assholes. Some believers might say, “Well, they’re doing it wrong” and many say in return, such-and-such god isn’t being clear on what he or she wants, or he/she/it  has little power over who they’re represented by, so how can anyone put his trust in him? How could you believe god is a merciful forgiving creature and believe simultaneously that many good atheists and many good believers of other religions who turned their back on Allah or Yahweh or Jesus are going to hell, for fucking ever! For all eternity! (and here we get the believers who say that god will take them back eventually or some such nonsense) .

On FSTDT, many atheists call god/Allah/Yahweh etc. stupid or an asshole (hehehe) and that they would never bow down to such a scumbag.

Meangod Where is he

Before getting to that little tidbit, what if Insert God Here (IGH) is an asshole, seriously? What if IGH is a bit stupid? What if IGH just doesn’t care about us? What if IGH is not all-knowing? What if IGH is not all-seeing? What if IGH is not all-powerful?

I find the second most plausible. Believers are quick to say that IGH (ESPECIALLY CHRISTIANS!) is so complicated  that humans will never be able to understand them. Do they not realize that their constant bellowing of their beliefs dictate some sort of understanding of their god? In order to believe a religion to be true, you have to have some sort of understanding about it (and if you go the too-complicated route, why do you think others are wrong and/or get mad about it?)

In any case, many believers are even quicker to say that IGH wants humans to understand them. That’s what the Bible, Koran, Torah etc. etc. are for. That’s what pastors and missionaries are for. You guys ain’t foolin’ nobody!

I find IGH is stupid most plausible because this god wants people to understand it and does not know how to go about it. It goes about it by trial and error, like some human. We might be part of its eternal science lab. To me, it’s similar to the personalities of what we see with ancient gods of Greece or Egypt, or really any polytheistic religion. There are gods of jealousy and anger, lust and moon and grass.

What if the Christian god is single-minded like a lot of these gods? Take in mind that the strongest god of Greek mythology was Zeus- and he kept fucking random women, knowing his wife Hera would get hella mad and take it out on the girls. What if god was like that? This hypothetical would take for granted that god is not all-knowing:

Meangod is not all knowing


As cute  and silly as Philosoraptor is, he has a point. It’s pretty clear in the Bible that god decides to wipe out most of the Earth with a flood because he realized most of it was shit. His present-day believers see evidence that Rapture is coming any day now in Roe vs. Wade anniversaries, how come he didn’t do something when just a fourth of humanity was shit and he knew it was getting bigger all the time? Why didn’t he speak to many others like he did to Noah? Why didn’t he give them a taste of hell and told them to repent? He was going to kill them anyways and have them in hell for all eternity.

Does he see nonbelievers now and realize what utter fuckery that was? Does he see that killing all those people instead of easily, easily, easily converting them with his presence or some damn magic would have been super effective?

The Bible says god is wrathful and jealous. Those are characteristics that will lose a human person a lot of friends except those of like misery. These sorts of people are often pretty stupid and narrow-minded. They’ll destroy things in a fit of rage when things don’t go their way, often contradict themselves in order to make themselves feel better and feel superior. These sorts of people are often accused of ‘trying to be God’.

But what if god is a stupid asshole like these people that I’m sure you know a few of? If he was real, and could send you to hell for all eternity, would you still worship him? Would you kill in his name if he asked you to? Would demand flesh sacrifices and such?

I would.

I can easily turn my back on something in this temporary world. I wouldn’t bow to some Hitler because death would be coming eventually and I can live the rest of my miserable life knowing that I did the right thing.

But I can also easily say that I wouldn’t want to be tortured for all eternity.

Meangod Fry godWhat if god’s not stupid? What if he’s just an asshole? What if he wrote the Bible as an all-knowing, all-powerful being just to fuck with us humans over the centuries? What if he’s like Zeus and Shiva and Ra all in one with not a fuck to give?

Think about it- you’re an eternal being with all knowledge and all power. How much care would you truly have over some 7 billion creatures with lifespans less than a century?

What if you’re the nicest being no Earth, some innocent child, a desperate man- and god got a wild hair up his ass and decides to put you in hell for a few billion millinea? Seriously, what would stop him?

All in all, if, for example, the Christian god was a misogynistic, angry, jealous, primitive asshole, if he was the only thing keeping you from hell for all eternity, would you really turn your back on him?


3 thoughts on “What if God’s an Asshole? or That Other Catch-22”

  1. Awesome post! The asshole god is closest to Deism. Well, not really an ‘asshole’ per say, rather aloof and couldn’t give a rats ass about anything else. Here’s a few thoughts i wrote about the subject a few weeks ago:

    Apologetics is the rather ambitious attempt to defend the claim that the bible is the inerrant word of an infallible, omnipotent god. By extension such a god should be able to state exactly what it wants to say and do so free of any and all ambiguity. Its word should be unencumbered by cultural idiosyncrasies and remain unmolested by divergences in language, calligraphy, obscure and dead lexicons, future dialects, exotic morphemes, or even illiteracy and deafness. Its word should contain no contradiction, no absurdity, no oversight or declarations that are in conflict with observed facts. Its word should penetrate all tribal, domestic and international legal code and remain morally true in a timeless continuum. Such an entity should be instantly recognisable to all sentient creatures regardless of locale or epoch, and its actions should exhibit no fault or favour, no bias, prejudice, second-thought or indeed, if omnipotent, no mind-set at all…. Now here comes that awkward moment for the bible-wielding fundamentalist. If this claim were in way true there wouldn’t be apologists practicing apologetics. It’s as simple as that.

    1. But, the layman believer would reply, the contradictions don’t matter OR you’re not reading it correctly OR you’re only focusing o the bad stuff trying to find things that don’t make sense.

      Very nice, in any case, for those who try to follow reason.

      I was thinking about something else after I wrote this- the Bible doesn’t seem to account for hermaphrodites- why is that?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s