Seriously though, my dad can be such an asshole. I’m not sure why I don’t just cross over like my brother and put him across as “He is an asshole”, probably because he’s done right by me so many times. I’m sure if Dad broke my jaw and still seven years later I have keloids running up and down my jaw, neck, and chin from multiple surgeries, and Dad still hasn’t apologized for it, I would be hard-pressed to bring up ‘all the good times we had’.
Also, I’m extremely open to discussion, any time, all the time. Pretty much why I have a blog and comment on other blogs. I do want to say that anyone who says “You only get one dad, cherish him” or anything along those lines can go fuck themselves, okay? It’s never, ever a good thing to say. This hit home with me when someone who was being terribly abused- like stereotypical, but no less real, abused- by her blood father. She said something along the lines I have said and this: “Even if you have wonderful parents, when they act evil, they have stopped being wonderful. There is no forgiveness for that.”
That’s pretty much my entire view of all the ‘blood is thicker than water’ crap that means nothing if you’re miserable.
So, what happened? First!
Just to let you know, my biggest problem with my dad was his mental and emotional abuse. The rest of my siblings, except my second younger sister, had more contact with his physical abuse. The worse things? Older brother: broken jaw, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly. First younger sister: kicked to the ground and stomped on in the third grade tied with being locked in a chokehold until almost passing out in the ninth grade. Second younger sister: got a little slap every once in a while. Younger brothers often got punched, especially if my Dad thought they were acting like pussies.
It’s not like Dad didn’t punch me in the stomach when I got car sicknesses and threw up in the car. I remember being in a carseat. Or that he didn’t hit me with the metal side of the belt because I chose my favorite shirt of my Kindergarten year for the second time that week (granted, before this, he thought I was taking too long finding socks). And there are more, but you get the picture.
And he still wonders where my younger sister and youngest brother’s violent tempers come from.
So, my main beef with him now is the non-physical abuse. I remember practicing my expression in the mirror so that when Dad yelled down at me he wouldn’t say, “And now you got that STUPID look on your face!” I’ve perfected my nonplussed look, and it drives him nuts! More than that, though….
He’s also a pretty dumb debater/discussion-ist/whatever. He can’t seem to follow reason (or a mote of tact) when expressing himself or hearing others express themselves. He also always, when expressing himself, follows at least four of these tropes:
It is your fault
It is NEVER his fault in any way (I didn’t really realize this until last year. He has this so bad, it’s comical)
An apology that he obviously doesn’t mean (Oh, I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings). I’ve actually pointed this out to him several times, and my mom has had the gall to say he was sincere most of the time. Oh, mom(s).
THE GODDAMN PITY-PARTY (Everyone’s against me all the time! Oh, woe is me!)
Threats of some nature
Threats of a physical nature
Bringing up a topic, you follow it, and he points out that it’s unrelated and you shouldn’t be bringing it up
This time around, I don’t remember him threatening to do something physical. But he gets 7/8. B+!
So I have most of the argument between my brother and I on google chat. I don’t feel like doing the whole copy screen, crop, paste, etc. thing but I’ll post the juicy bits verbatim copy, yea!
Me: “So Daddy told me to contribute more to the household- buying groceries and paying bills and the like”
Bro: no he did NOT
“And not just buying fifty dollars worth of pizza that gets eaten in two hours, or giving them 40 dollars worth of gas and whatever money and whatnot. Well, he just said pizza.
In any case, I said yes, sir and all that
But I could tell in his eyes I wasn’t enthusiastic enough about it, and so he decided to give me a lecture about how I should want to contribute to my parents- you know, the spiel”
My brother is flabbergasted because I tell him of times when I contribute very large amounts of money to our parents. Papa’s really good at picking out stuff we are bad at- but we are actually very good at. Like, I would care not if he actually me a bad child- but it would be phenomenal if they were based on truths.
The spiel in question: How we should always want to help out Ma, Pa, and our family. Because Papa always wants to help. Without question. Without complaint. Never.
(…not juicy bits…)
Me: He goes on to say that he could kick me out of the house at any time.
Me: (Pa says) “And then where are you going to go? No where. I could just say get out.”
Bro: He’s soooooo manipulative and abusive, [my name]
And here I realize in talking with my dad that he’s treating me like my sister, the one who left my niece. The one who has been gone for two days because her ‘friend’s car broke down’ and she can’t find ANY WAY TO COME BACK.
Obviously, I did not like that so I’m a bit angry at Pops at the moment. He does not get any better.
I told him that I’m getting in touch with deans to go back to Baltimore. We’ll figure something out
didn’t tell him how I told them what an asshole he is *shrug*
(Pa)”Why do you want to go back to Baltimore?”
“What?” I couldn’t believe it! “I want to go back to school. We’ve had this conversation before. It’s a non-starter. Let’s change the subject.”
“And-” this is still me “-How you going to threaten me about kicking me out the house and then ask me why I want to go back to Baltimore?”
Seriously though. He does not like when we point out when he spouts some contradicting bullshit like my sis dislikes having her lying bullshit put on blast.
So, now he’s angry.
Okay, so he says,
“Look. What happens if you get sick again and have to come back here? You’ll be back to square one, just like [THAT SIS], stuck here with no where to go.”
“DO NOT COMPARE ME TO [THAT SIS]“
“DO NOT EVER COMPARE ME TO [THAT SIS]EVER AGAIN”
And he better not. He thinks he hates my simmering fury as I bubble up now and again, he’s going to despise whatever comes if he compares me to [THAT SIS] one more fucking time (something my parents did constantly while sis took her two month break). I’ve worked too hard, too long to be compared to a shiftless, selfish sociopath like my sister, and I’ve done nothing to diminish that progress. Nothing.
So, he gets up- all outraged and here I’m thinking when he yells- oh, it’s just my personality. When we yell, BAD CHILDREN
And now he’s towering over me and I’m thinking does it feel good to look down? You touch me, I’ll kick you in your damn stitches.
“I can say you can get out. I can kick you out right now” He points to the door.
Calmly, I answer, “I know you can”
Honestly, what was he trying to accomplish by saying this? What could he possibly gain? This intimidation, these threats? This conversation started with him demanding my hard-earned money. How did he think this’ll end if he tells me that he has the oh-so-godly power of kicking me out the house? Oh, what would he tell [AWESOME SIS]? How did he think Mom would react? What about Bro?
Well, he doesn’t like me being calm and saying scathing things to his ego, of course
So he goes on: “See, this is why we don’t ever see eye-to-eye.Whenever I try to talk to you, you get all sensitive and you’re just looking for ways to attack everything I say.”
I roll my eyes at this usual spout of self-pitying, and he just gets angrier and angrier
(to Bro) what?
how he’s talking to a mirror?
Bro: The “this is why we don’t see to eye to eye” right hahaha
lolol- I know right! He keeps going! How I don’t ever listen to him and never want to take his advice
“I said yes! I will pay the bills and stuff. What more do you want?”
“Why are you yelling at me about [THAT SIS]?”
“I just really hate when you compare me to her. Really really hate it.”
Still me: “She is not like me. She’s still off doing whatever with Charlie here. I’m here.”
“This isn’t about [THAT SIS]. It’s about you!”
“YOU BROUGHT IN [THAT SIS]!”
“It was just an example!”
“Well, I’m using your example!” Does this man not know how to have a goddamn conversation?!
He can’t be that doggone stupid!
But sometimes he totally, totally is. Or he just can’t see the fallacy of his constant effort to turn things against the other person, to make him always seem like the reasonable one. He can’t take criticism at all. Not a fuckin’ speck.
Me: so, we’s goin’ back and forth and he asks, “So when do you think you’re going back to Baltimore, hm?”
“As soon as possible.”
So I do a super roll of my eyes, “As soon as possible.”
“Is that next week, next month?”
Actually, my dean and I specified, hopefully, sometime in the middle of June, but I don’t know, and I didn’t want to give him false words.
“AS SOON AS POSSIBLE IS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!”
What else could that possibly fucking mean? How else could I put that?
He says, “As soon as possible is like tomorrow or next week”
“Well, tomorrow or next week, if that is as soon as possible.”
“But we know that’s not going to happen!”
I’m ready to fucking kick him.
“Then whenever! As soon as possible! It doesn’t mean immediately- it means as soon as possible. Just like ‘maybe’ means yes or no.”
Here, Bro had to do some stuff, so the rest is mostly memory and may be misremembered, ya’ know.
“I NEED EXACT DATES.”
“You. Do. Not. Need. Exact. Dates.”
I was being pissy. But Dad was being a total pissant. Why was he acting like he didn’t know what ASAP meant?
“I need to know! We movin’ so I need to know if you’re coming with us! What time are you going to be here-“
“I. Don’t. Know.”
“You should have said that first then!”
“That’s basically what ASAP means in this context!”
So he starts swirling around in anger, trying not to hit something, I guess, and comes back to me.
“Oh, ok, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about bringing this up. I’m sorry we can’t just have a decent conversation because you have to get all mad all the time.”
So, I’ve crossed my arms and leaned back. I now roll my eyes again, cock my head to the side and obviously wait until he’s finally done.
“I can’t say nothing to you, now! You’ll just try to bite everything I say and not listen to me!”
“I don’t do that. And I listen to you. A lot.”
I even gave him a couple of examples- like the beginning of this damn conversation. He could have left it at demanding my money and things would have been so much better for him, but he decided to guilt trip me, and insult me, and it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I shouldn’t have been so mean. I needed to back down.
Well, the only thing I’ve said to him since then was “Hi, Pops” as he came home from work. He’s a teacher at a university-and now he’s some student expert. Ah, freak-on-a-fucking-leash…
Make no mistake, if your father or mother or bald-headed brother does so many things for you, they can still become hostile and you do not deserve that shit from anyone. And if you have fallen in mode with such antics: